Well, it's been 7 months since my last awful relapse.  If you have MS you know that doesn't mean that the symptoms have been gone, but that I'm able to live life much better than when in a relapse.  My longest stint between relapses was 8 months so here I sit, someone who fully believes in living in the moment, wondering when the next relapse will hit.

Do I truly believe that I live in the moment?  If so, how could I possibly worry about what next month may bring?  Well, it's like when I was a kid and I thought there was a monster in my closet.  As much as I tried to ignore the closet, it seemed to loom ever closer to my bed.  And don't get me started on that darn starch or laundry soap commercial that had the shirt on a hanger that moved and I think talked.  I thought all my clothes would be coming after me to strangle me in my sleep.  But I digress... now that I'm an adult, there are days that I feel the closeness of my closet.  Even though I've come out of my  own closet long ago (thanks Ellen for making it so popular), I still fear the closet of MS relapse.

I read stories and blogs about those who have many relapses or those who only have short remissions and I find myself feeling a bit guilty even blogging about my MS because I feel fortunate that I don't have it that bad after all.  And then I try to do something like mow the grass and I'm reminded how my body can't handle a fraction of what it used to.  Today it was a cool breezy day so I decided that it was a perfect day to mow the grass since the summer heat has faded.  Within 10 minutes my face was hot and pink and my arms felt as if they were going to whither up and die. That old familiar foot drag started to happen right there on my freshly mown grass!  After pushing it way too hard, I spent the rest of the day resting with ice thinking about how I'm just not the same person I used to be.  This also had me worrying about the day that will inevitably come when I'm in a full blown relapse.

This past week at work someone said to me ‘wow, you've been doing really great...I haven't seen you with a cane or looking like you were in excruciating pain in a long time'.  She then told me about a woman with MS who ran our local marathon.  I started to think that same thought (bite me) when I hear a non-MS person tell me how great somebody else with MS is doing.  Then she told me more about the woman in the marathon.  She said ‘it's too bad because this year that same woman has a motorized wheelchair and will be doing the race in that instead.'  She then asked me how long I thought I would continue on this healthy streak.

The thought of it scares me just like the monster in the closet.  Yes, I should live in the moment.  Yes, I am very grateful for this break.  And today, I realize that yes, I'm completely human and it's okay to have fear.  So, like I have so many times, I look at my fear and say ‘Fear, I feel you and it's okay, but please don't take up permanent resident in my mind.'