I'm quickly losing faith in the power of positive thinking.
I think it's partly because, for the past 10 years, I've been able to adapt to the many changes and set-backs in my physical abilities. All part of that "dealing with it" thing.
The past 10 months have made it difficult to deal with those changes because every new set-back seems to be here to stay, with no relief in sight. I find I'm no longer able to work around the changes that have taken over my body in the past couple months.
The fatigue (more like exhaustion), the balance and gait problems (I feel like a tired, spastic, less steady Frankenstein-type monster when I try to get from point A to point B), the pain (a constant ache and disjointedness in my hips, lower back and upper legs), the numbness (feet and hands that that seem to have permanently fallen asleep and that I'm constantly clenching in an effort to rouse, combined with a "fullness" that I can't quite describe, but it kinda feels like they're tight and swollen, even though they're not), the speech problems (it's not that I'm don't know what I want to say, it's more getting it out without jumbling it all up and slurring.)
The Neuro PAC called yesterday. He's arranging for some physical and speech therapy. The part of me that's hell bent on being proactive is all for it. The other part of me is too exhausted to think about it.
The RN is coming tomorrow morning to get me started on the Copaxone. Despite her warnings that it's not a cure, I'm hoping for some relief within about 20 minutes of the first injection. My head knows it ain't gonna happen.
On top of all of this there are the usual finacial worries. I've done ok so far because I've worked my ass of until now. Two, and sometimes three, jobs at a time. I'm down to one job and I can't even manage that now. I'm in the process of filing for short term disability in the hopes that I can get back to where I can function in the workplace in about a month. It's good to have goals, right? Right, so why do I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle?
The reality is I feel like my best shot is at slowing this thing down and going on from here. The question is going on to where? What if I'm not able to go back to work in a month, or two months, or ever? Then what?
I guess my big question is: What the hell is gonna become of me?
--Pam
Pam, This is smomdukes, I am there with you and beyond. You have every right to feel the way that you feel, it is your right. Let me tell you the story of ME. I am now 52, hey I look good for my age, my pops always said, "it is a poor frog that does not praise his own pond". But anyway, you are feeling the wrath of the Monster. Let's just face facts it does not get any better. I was told when MS decided to show up at the ripe age of 44 that I had, had MS all of my life. Looking back, the signs were there all along the way, but by no one in my familoy having MS nor having a history of MS no one thought to look for MS, so guess what "tag I was it" I had a career, I wore 3 inch heels everyday to work, looked good, (still do)
got around better than a 20 year old, worked 10 hours a day and went to school at night, almost finished, except I refuse to take Finite Math, just cannot do it, not gonna do it!
MS has come in and wreaked havoc on all of our lives, taken away our independence, and I was totally independent, but now I no longer work. I have applied for disability, I know that I am going to have to wait, that is just the way it is, the system is flawed that way. I am also plaqued with fatique, I do all right in the morning, the afternoons is a wrap. So I have learned to plan my day, as you will also. This way of life is not so bad, we just have to adjust, and you know what, everyone has to, even those who are not ill, they have to adjust. Life will be fine challenging but fine. There are going to be some trying time ahead, I am not going to lie, but you will adjust. Be patient with yourself, all is not lost, it never is. Take care. sherry/smomdukes
MomDukes,
You truly have a gift.
You have a way of saying, "It is what it is, and it sucks, but oh well." Not in a flippant way, but in a grudgingly accepting way. I like it. It always makes me feel better. I like the way you make me feel that it's ok to be pissed and crabby about the whole thing, but it's not ok to wallow in all of that.
I know I'm probably not being real clear in what I mean by that, but I just wanted to say I appreciate your candor and that you really do have a way of making me feel as if I'm not wrong in feeling the way I do and, at the same time, giving me the kick in the butt I need to walk away from the pity party I've been on the verge of throwing and get on with my life.
I hope that made sense. Thanks for being you. :)
--Pam