So hard to maintain a positive attitude

I'm quickly losing faith in the power of positive thinking. 

I think it's partly because, for the past 10 years, I've been able to adapt to the many changes and set-backs in my physical abilities.  All part of that "dealing with it" thing.

The past 10 months have made it difficult to deal with those changes because every new set-back seems to be here to stay, with no relief in sight.  I find I'm no longer able to work around the changes that have taken over my body in the past couple months.

The fatigue (more like exhaustion), the balance and gait problems (I feel like a tired, spastic, less steady Frankenstein-type monster when I try to get from point A to point B), the pain (a constant ache and disjointedness in my hips, lower back and upper legs), the numbness (feet and hands that that seem to have permanently fallen asleep and that I'm constantly clenching in an effort to rouse, combined with a "fullness" that I can't quite describe, but it kinda feels like they're tight and swollen, even though they're not), the speech problems (it's not that I'm don't know what I want to say, it's more getting it out without jumbling it all up and slurring.)

The Neuro PAC called yesterday.  He's arranging for some physical and speech therapy.  The part of me that's hell bent on being proactive is all for it.  The other part of me is too exhausted to think about it.

The RN is coming tomorrow morning to get me started on the Copaxone.  Despite her warnings that it's not a cure, I'm hoping for some relief within about 20 minutes of the first injection.  My head knows it ain't gonna happen.

On top of all of this there are the usual finacial worries.  I've done ok so far because I've worked my ass of until now.  Two, and sometimes three, jobs at a time.  I'm down to one job and I can't even manage that now.  I'm in the process of filing for short term disability in the hopes that I can get back to where I can function in the workplace in about a month.  It's good to have goals, right?  Right, so why do I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle? 

The reality is I feel like my best shot is at slowing this thing down and going on from here.  The question is going on to where?  What if I'm not able to go back to work in a month, or two months, or ever?  Then what? 

I guess my big question is:  What the hell is gonna become of me?

--Pam