She's long gone now. That woman who bounced up the steps two at a time and jumped up during television commercials to tackle one more chore. That woman who fidgeted endlessly with excess energy. That woman who juggled several tasks at once. She was a whirlwind, youthful, strong and quick. She had her independence but was lacking in confidence. She hadn't yet taken the time to get to know herself very well, was not sure of herself, but wasn't really aware of that yet.
It's a sad realization, but she is gone and I don't think I will see her again. For awhile I mourned her deeply. I still miss her, but someone else has taken her place.
This woman takes longer to accomplish things but gives them more thought. She sticks to one thing at a time and concentrates on doing the best she can even when she knows she may fall short of her goal. This woman often appears to be doing nothing because, physically, that's exactly what she is doing...nothing. But emotionally and intellectually she is working things out. She's got a deeper sense of herself and much more patience. She plans thoroughly before taking action. She's learned how to work smart. She's got a newfound confidence, a sense of who she is and where she'd like to be.
She's more understanding of others and of issues she'd never taken time to consider before. She sees the world through a different lens, a wiser lens. She understands that she's only seen the tip of the iceberg and is open to the possibilities life has to offer. She has her dreams and her goals, improbable as they are, and she will work toward them. She has regrets, too, and she's fine with that. She's comfortable in her own skin.
Maybe it's a simple rite of passage for a woman coming into her own and coming of age in her forties. Maybe some of that change can be attributed to multiple sclerosis. More likely, it's a combination. What she lost physically may never be replaced. What she gained spiritually, intellectually and emotionally will stay with her. She's an open book and the world is a big place. She looks toward the future with hope and enthusiasm. Neither age nor multiple sclerosis will be her undoing.
Yes, she has taken the place of another, but she is welcome here.
Published On: February 04, 2008