The Multiple Sclerosis Tapestry: Interviews with People Whose Lives are Affected by MS

Almost as soon as I went back to work, I started to experience more symptoms.  I got dizzy easily.  I was nauseated and the vertigo returned.  Within a month I had an exacerbation which I treated with Prednisone.  I kept working throughout the relapse.  It was really tough on several levels.  Of course it was hard physically but mentally it was much worse.  I started fearing for my future and got caught in a terrible cycle of wondering "What if?"  I felt sick every morning and often questioned why I should even get out of bed.  My anxiety and depression got so bad that I went on Celexa and Klonopin.  Unfortunately, the Celexa also made me ill and I had to give it up.

Just recently with the help of a good cognitive therapist, my friends and my family I have been able to ease my anxieties and to see a life beyond my depression.  This has made work easier.  I am still quite uncertain about my future career but I am much more positive and focused on the idea that I can do this at least through the year.

Do you have a personal philosophy that has helped you to cope with having a chronic illness?

When I was diagnosed I did not have a personal philosophy to help me but over time I am developing one.  I believe that we can breath through just about anything.  I also believe that by focusing our mind and actions upon the challenges right before us that we can better cope.  The most recent thing I have learned was stated best in Diane's interview with Stephen from "One Life."  He said something to the effect that we cannot control what happens to us but we can control how we react to things.  I think that by continuing to monitor my reactions to things and then calming myself with breath that I have found the best way of coping with the uncertainties of life with MS.  I may not know how I'll feel tomorrow but I can control how I react to whatever tomorrow brings.

What is the worst thing about this illness?

I think the worst thing is the uncertainty.  Sometimes I find myself hesitant even to commit to fun things because it's just one more thing I want to be on for.  Now I really limit my commitments and hope that I will feel fine any time I have a commitment that is hard to break.

Are there any silver linings to having MS?  If there aren't talk about that too.

MS itself sucks and there are no real silver linings but in many ways I do consider the changes my diagnoses have wrought a blessing.  I am much better at taking care of myself and my own physical, spiritual and emotional needs now.  I have really slowed down.  I don't feel compelled to take on as many commitments anymore.  The important things in life have become much clearer to me now.  It's harder now then when I was on steroids but I still often remember to be grateful for my life and to stop and smell the roses.

If you could tell all the doctors and neurologists something that they would listen to, what would it be?