As I write this I am thinking about the first time I posted on this site.  I had MS for a little over a year and was writing about my experiences on my personal blog. I was so grateful for the help and information I had received that I wanted to give back.  And my writing was a way to do that.  I joined Health Central in the late summer of 2008 and so I have been writing here over a year now.  And so I have come full circle.  I was officially diagnosed with MS in the fall of 2007 and here it is...the fall of 2009 at the time that I write this.

I have learned a lot here.  I have especially learned about kindness, compassion, and resilience.  You all are amazing people.  And I feel that I have received far more than I can ever give to you.

As a matter of fact, I feel guilty that I cannot give you more.

I am presently writing for four other Health Central sites and I am a community leader for two of those sites.  I have been trying to do it all but I just physically cannot.  And so I have been gradually and purposefully fading away on this site.  I voluntarily turned down being the community leader for MS Central and now I have made the decision that I will cease to write here as well.  Maybe I will make a guest appearance now and then.  But for my overall sanity and general well being I had to let something go.  So with a very heavy heart this will be my last post here for awhile. 

You can still find me on these Health Central sites and I hope you do. 

• My Depression Connection
  
  
• Sexual Health
  
  
• ADHD Central
  
  
• Friends of Quinn

You guys are fantastic.  And Sherry...just to let you know...I went out this past weekend and bought me three new handbags in your honor.  :>)

So on this note I will leave you with the story of my diagnosis.  This is where I began.  My story will continue.  And so will yours.

I wish you all much peace, love, health, and happiness.

Merely Me

The day I became an MS Patient

They say everything happens for a reason.  I am inclined to believe that.  Or maybe it is just that I want to believe that.  Believing, even if it is an illusion, is preferable to not believing in anything at all. 

When I went in to get my MRI to test for signs of Multiple Sclerosis I knew already.  I didn't need the images of my brain to tell me.  My gut knew.  But of course I did the test anyway because that is what you do.  You proceed in a linear fashion.  I conceded to put my faith in science.

And science found that I have lesions, multiple ones in my brain. 

Back to reasons.  Why MS?  Why me?  Why now? 

The answer came to me with a sharp edged clarity.  Why not me?  Why not now?

I paused outside the big glass doors of the neurology hospital.  I knew that once I stepped through those doors my life would be irrevocably changed and there would be no turning back.  Time is a funny thing at those moments.  It slows down to the most imperceptible movements.  The motion of hands and a pull at a door handle, the shuffle of feet, the faces of people passing by, a car rolling into a parking space all slowed down to that one moment in time.