I feel out of the loop. Abnormal. Left behind. Less than whole.

Many times in recent weeks I've felt my ‘difference.' This has been difficult to deal with and has become a less tangible loss due to MS.

A recent surgery kept me out of my usual routine for the past few weeks and it also made some MS symptoms more evident. Fatigue has been worse. Leg dragging more. My walking pace slower. And I am terribly scatterbrained and unable to focus. Memory? Forget about it. (ha,ha)

I'm nearly fully recovered from my surgery and have returned to work. But I'm finding that I am still in the middle of my MS recovery. I am so impatient with myself. Why is this taking so long?! I just want to shake myself back to normalcy - or at least to what I was used to.

Today, a group of us went out to lunch. When everyone decided to walk, I knew I wouldn't be able to make it there and back without severe exhaustion and the resulting nerve pain. I also would have walked much slower than everyone else. So I drove the four blocks while everyone else walked. I got there after the group, strangely enough, and that created an issue with me ordering late. My thinking was slow and the conversation moved fast. By the time I had thought of a comment to add to the conversation, it had already moved on. Twice, I interrupted conversation to inject a comment, afraid that I would never be able to contribute and be a part of the group. It was awkward, my words not joining the flow. Tired of the effort, I finally gave up and sat quietly, just listening. Then I drove back alone. That was lonely and I felt set apart.

A couple of days ago my husband went with me to the grocery store. Walking slow seemed natural as we worked our way through the aisles, but when we finished paying, my husband took control of the cart and strode quickly toward the car. I walked slowly behind. I could tell my husband was impatient as he stopped a couple of times to look for me over his shoulder before continuing on. I wanted him to adjust his pace to mine and not leave me following far behind - but he was just far enough ahead that I would have had to yell, and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself anyway. The thought crossed my mind that to an onlooker, we didn't even look like we were together but rather two people heading to separate vehicles and separate lives.

This week, I was invited to two evening events - both business related social events. I declined both of them, knowing I would be too tired to function well. I wished yet again that I could have the life that would have been if MS hadn't taken over.

I have two more social engagements - a family dinner and dinner at my husband's boss' house - that I need to be up for this weekend. The first is very important to me; the second very important to my husband. I'm very fearful that this unwelcome guest in my body will turn on me at the wrong moment and ruin these events as well.

Yes, I am having a big pity party this week. I am angry at the world. I am frustrated with myself. And I HATE MS.