Fog of depression rolling in....

Hi everyone,

The thick fog of depression doesn't roll in as frequently as it has in the past; medication changes over 40 years haven't always helped but, continuing to try different drugs & combinations if drugs finally led to about 1 1/2 yrs fog free.  I knew it was starting again late July, early August but, immediately went into denial, put on whatever masks required and fought the urge to run my van into the cement dividers on the highway; I stop because I worry I might hit another vehicle and, I don't want to cause anyone else pain & grief.  I don't think I really want to die, I just want to know what happiness really feels like for myself.  I spend much of my time trying to help others in different ways and, although, it feels good to help, I keep thinking that by doing what I believe we should do anyway, it will bring me that elusive feeling of genuine happiness.   "Service (volunteering) is the rent we pay for being. It is the very purpose of life, and not something that you do in your spare time." -- Marion Wright Edelman                                     

This is also when I withdraw from the world; I don't want to inflict my depressive mood on anyone.  I'm so tired!  I have suffered from congenital depression since about age 10; now the brain lesions from MS has made it worse.  I am seriously considering ECT (electric convulsive therapy - shock treatment)  I only hesitate because I may forget my family but, I can't remember what someone said to me 2 min. ago!  I'm not convinced it is the worse thing I could do.  My Neuropsychiatrist is very hesitant due to lesions on brain.  Or, another medication change; it will work for awhile, some longer than others.  I then can go into my performance of acting as, what I feel, a happy person would appear to be.  I am currently taking 300mg Effexor SR and 300mg Wellbutrin XL.

Thanks for allowing me to safely, express my profound sadness,

SherryO