Sunday, October 05, 2008 My Wife asks

Q: After my wifes MS diagnosis two years ago I do nothing right and she nags at me constantly why?

Exampales: where I park , what I say, so on and so on. Also she tells me what I mean when I say something or what I should have said or done. I ask her what is wrong and she clams up , won't say a word then will go to another room or outside and will not resolve anything. (She is on medication but even if it changes she acts the same) I suggested counciling........ MY BAD!.......... She flipped out. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I'm not a perfect husband but nobody does everything wrong. Now we are in an argument almost every day I know deep down she loves me and I do love her with all my heart, I will never leave her. It's still a tough life. I'll do whatever it takes!

MY WIFE MY HEART

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Answers (5)

Lisa Emrich, Health Guide

10/ 5/08 1:23pm

Thank you for sharing a part of your story and seeking support here. I'll point you to a husband, Jake, who is a caregiver to one of our MSers, Mandy. They often discuss what it's like to have this uninvited guest in the marriage.

It sounds like you are aware that people with MS deal with a wide variety of emotions. Some of those are related to stages of grief and some of those are actually part of the disease itself. Seeking guidance from a professsional is solid advice, and if your wife is not ready, perhaps you could work through your emotions with a counselor.

Also, MS can actually affect personality, depending upon the location of lesions. Not a fun thing for sure. The best thing is that you care deeply for your wife and love her, ms and all. Contact Jake and he can relate to you on a different level.

I hope that you enjoy the rest of the weekend and let us know how you guys are doing. Certainly it might be a good idea if your wife contacted other folks with MS to know that she is not alone in this. We're here to offer support.

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/ 9/08 5:48pm

Hey there...

I just want to say first of all...I am so sorry you both are going through all this. Multiple Sclerosis is difficult not just for those of us who have it, but for our caregivers and loved ones too.

I can tell you from my experience that MS can make you feel fatigued, cranky, and downright loopy. Some days I don't know if I am coming or going. Where does all this emotion go? Well...unfortunately...the ones we love see the brunt of it. Who else can we trust to show our most vulnerable side?

The way in which you write your question tells me that you are a very compassionate and caring man. It is hard to be patient when someone is grousing at ya, but I want you to hang in there because it is worth it. If you can...try not to take what your wife says personally but instead address and validate her emotions. This goes a long way and especially with women. Give her the right to her emotions which might include anger.

I am now going to give you some links I found to find support on-line.

This link is to an organization which provides support to spouses who have a loved one who is dealing with a chronic illness.

And here is a link to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and some information and links they provide to help support caregivers.

Do hang in there...you are doing a good job. Just remember the big picture and if you can...focus less on the little stuff that doesn't end up meaning much at the end of the day.

Thank you for your question.

cindy

12/21/08 6:51pm

Hi,

I am new to this forum but I am a caregiver too. I have been taking care of my boyfriend for 6 and a half years he has chronic progressive ms. it does get very tough at times and sometimes you feel as if your unappreciated, but this is not so. She really does appreciate what you do for her.

But try to look at it from her side: She may be feeling helpless because she is unable to do those things herself. She may feel as if she has lost control in her life and it scares her so she tries to regain it through you, she may have lost control of her feelings and doesn't know why she is so angry all the time and thats why she walks away. Ms robs you of so many things. I don't believe it is a personal attack against you, she needs help understanding what is happening to her and your support, but most of all she needs your love and to know that despite all the changes in your lives that you will be right there for her.

I know that it is very tough for you also, and you need support too. (I find this forum to be very supportive and understanding as i am reading all the entries! ) I applaud you for what you are doing, nobody knows how tough it really is until you do it 24/7!

My heart goes out to you both and I hope things improve for both of you.

Chris Tatevosian

2/11/09 4:43pm

Hello,

My name is Chris and I have had MS for 29 years, diagnosed as a freshman in college in 1980. Man I am getting old. No, I am old, lol. I could probably consider myself an expert in the following subject matter. I would like to offer my services and/or advice. Perhaps, individuals struggling with relationship or family issues even depression worriy and anxiety as a result of the changes and struggles we confront daily. please let me know you think and please share this with information with friends and family.

I've been working in the area of helping others deal more positively with the stress put on a relationship as a result of having MS, a chronic illnesses or disability. I have written a book called Life Interrupted,It's Not All About Me by Chris Tatevosian, that's me, smile. I have written this book to help others in similar situations better deal with the stress put on the relationship as a result of chronic illness or disability. So that others have the knowledge and awareness to avoid making the same relationship destroying mistakes that I did.

I have facilitated a course at my church on several occasions dealing with the same topic, titled Life Interrupted. I have spoken before numerous MS support groups and hospital clinics. I have had stories/articles published on this web site, in MS world.org, MS Focus Magazine, Pathways Magazine in the United Kingdom and more.

If you are interested you can learn more about my book on my web site: www.LifeInterrupted-nolonger.com

Have a great day,

Chris

cccanes

10/10/11 3:55pm

I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in March of 2007, after going through past records, they believe I have had this since right after my daughter was born 19 years ago. I have deep compassion and understanding for what both of you are going through. I know how frustrating it can be for you, however, she does deeply appreciate what you do for her. How long was she diagnosed with MS? I know that one frustrations that a lot of us with MS go through, is that we feel that nobody truly understands what we go through on a daily basis. Sometimes we are super sensitive to everything that is said, or we expect you to know how we feel and what we are thinking. It is not anything you are doing wrong. I talk daily to so many MS'ers and caregivers of MS'ers and listen to what both go through and it seems a lot of caregivers feel the same way as you.

I am going to speak from my own personal experience because I see what my husband goes through and what I go through. So here goes... When my symptoms are active (which is quite often) it tends to play on my emotions. I find myself pushing people away for many reasons. Sometimes it is because I am angry that I have to live with this and it isn't fair. Sometimes, it is because I love my Husband so much that I don't think it is fair for him to have to suffer because of what I go through. In my CRAZY EMOTIONAL mind, I feel that he did not sign up for this and he should be able to leave, find someone that will make him happy and he can go on with his life (But deep down inside, that is the last thing I would ever want to happen). Most days it is because I am lost inside. I am not the "ME" that I used to be and wish I could be that "ME". Depression kicks in because of living with pain, insomnia, etc.. all the time and it is hard to find the "Good" things in life. So it boils down to this... I find myself pushing and taking it out on the one person in my life, that I truly trust and know, won't leave me. The mistake in that, is someday I may push it too far and I pray that I never do that.

Being that I have recognized and learned what I do or was doing, it has made it so much easier to relate and talk to the Care Givers and Loved Ones of MS'ers. The best thing you can do, in my opinion is talk to other caregivers, learn as much as you can about Multiple Sclerosis, possibly go to see a couselor yourself and hopefully in time maybe your wife will decide to join you if not hopefully she will open up and start talking to other MS'ers. That may make the biggest difference in her own personal life with coping and talking instead of keeping it inside. Most importantly keep doing what you are doing and loving her, but remember that it is NOT YOUR FAULT OR ANYTHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG!!

Feel free to contact me anytime or your Wife. I would gladly talk to either one of you and/or conect you both with others that I talk to or groups online that I have either strarted or am a part of. You both will get through this!

Tara

http://www.wellsphere.com/livingdaytodaywithmultiplesclerosis-profile/141704

Q: After my wifes MS diagnosis two years ago I do nothing right and she nags at me constantly why?

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