I am so sorry you feel this way but having faith is your choice and it is certainly understandable why you would turn away from God and having faith ..   None of us can ever know how you feel  , I know I can never compare my MS to yours nor my preference to be loving God person .. having faced a life/death situation changed my view and I turned away begging why ? Why me ?   Well, ithis is life and there are NO guarantees written nor implied when we are born .. Death is a part of life and I choose to believe that I am going to a much better place that has no pain , no illness ..   I do not fear death any longer and have accepted that it is just a part of life .. I may sound redundant but if not for the grace of God I know I would not be here today and if I should die afer all the "suffering" then I welcome God to take me home .   I now see life differently , much clearer and hold dear all things even bad that I call "experiences" or "adventures" .. I cannot write all I have been through and al I have done in my life here but know this . I am stronger in my belief for them and I take not one minute for granted ever and I thank God daily for allowing me to hear the birds , pet my dog , talk to my family and friends  ..   If you feel you need an ear I am here for you .. I know you do not know me but I know me and I would love to help you feel you can regain some control and pray that you can do the following .. acceptance , forgivness and peace .. I am here if you would like to just talk .. Adrian