Instead of focusing on a how-to, I wanted to try something more personal. Unfortunately I am sick today, but I wanted to blog, so I will keep this short and to the point.
On the subject of being sick - and believe me, I'm not the only one - it reminded me of my struggle with bulimia and other assorted eating disorders. ED-NOS, if you will. After all, I was hardly underweight, they couldn't classify me as anorexic. I didn't throw up my food every time I ate, only when I had eaten to the point of fullness, and they couldn't classify me as bulimic, either. ED-NOS is an eating disorder 'not otherwise specified', and while that term bothers me, that is how it is categorized in the DSM-IV.
I remember trying to starve myself. I could make it at least a day, maybe half of the next day if I slept late. I printed out how-to guides and tips from proanorexia sites (nasty places that encourage girls to starve), trying to force the hunger pangs away. If I ate too much, I would grow upset with myself and throw up, immediately feeling better. The first twenty pounds I ever lost were with the help of these bad habits - six pounds on a day of fasting and a mile-long walk isn't healthy, though.
I can happily say I'm recovered. I rarely ever eat enough food to become so full I grow upset, and if I do, I just lie down and wait for my stomach to settle before doing whatever I can to be more active - a quick walk or a good cleaning of the kitchen. I'm never tempted to starve myself anymore. I won't eat if I'm not hungry, and I usually wait until I have hunger pangs to eat. I'm less of a 'three meals a day' sort of person and more of a 'six small meals a day', because I've found that helps my metabolism.
What I can also say is that living with an eating disorder were the most miserable days of my life. I wasn't happy. I was obsessed with food, with keeping as little of it as possible in my system. Food made me feel dirty, when food exists in the first place to keep us healthy, which in turn improves our mental wellbeing.
I still struggle with food, in that way where I am trying to lose weight and continuously changing my habits to do so, but if all of us had a healthy relationship with food, we wouldn't be here.
I understand that eating disorders aren't easy to talk about, but I do ask the question: Have any of you struggled with losing weight in such an extreme way?
And why is it that I turned to eating disorders? Why do some overweight people do the same thing that I did? Is it because we live in a society built on immediate gratification? Is it because the ones that do are more lazy than the ones who start out healthy and continue to lose weight healthily? Or are we just punishing ourselves?
I'd love to know your thoughts.
Published On: April 14, 2010