Recently I had an apointment with my Nero Doctor at the VA, Shen recommended that I get another MRI/MRA for the Brain Surgey that I had in 2003. And also get abuse counseling to deal with some sbuse issues of my past marrIage I was abused for then last 6 years. I wanted to include this because I think its important for the overall mental health picture that i am tring to recover from. I have a good team at the VA working on my medical issues and the biggest thing I am dealing with right now is the Oseosrthritis in my right hip which is the most painful. I spoke to my doctor at the VA yesterday and he has increased my doseage on the Methadone to 15 mg this week Monday December 17th and Next week a increase of 20 mg a day and remainig on that doseage. One of the things he said was not to drive until my body has ajuted to the doseage levels about two weeks so if I have anything to do it has to be before lunch when I take the other dose of methadone. then I have to stay home. This has put a limit on what I can get out and do and when I have to do it. I usally sttend AA recovery meetings and now I cant drive at night because I would have already had 2 doses of the methadone by then and Im sure perocet which I have driven on just taking one but not with the increased methadoe. This mornong I went ahead and took my medications like I always do and I forgot that I had the increased dose in my meds I had already taken my perocet for pain when got up this morning, and yes I did feel imparied I told my case manager and she said I loked fine but if I feel dissy or off balance give it about three days then drive and the same next week. I quess the quesion still is Im single and I dont want to reamain home all the time I want to go and meet people have dates and enjoy life right now its the end of the month and I am broke I dont hardly even have the money to go to the grocery store, I have only 50.00 dollars cash in my pocket and I cant spend any out of the bank right now. I get a SSDI disability check on the 3rd of jan and I wont have any more money until then. So this month is not the month to be dating unless someone justb wants to come over and watch dvds together or something here I dont have the money to go out It was my roomates birthday and I did get her a present she already has a warm up suit, but I couldnt take her to diner or buy her anything else we are very close best friends and I wish I could have done more I did all that I could do. ands there are some christmas parties this week I went to theh brain Injury Support Group holiday party last week and it was great They hads all kind of food ham, turkey, greenbean cassarole, sweet potato cassarole, deserts, cake and pie I went back teo times it was great then they had imtertainment one ofthe members of the group sang and played his gutair. I had to go after one and a half hours because I had lots of pain in my hip and my back.

There is another party this thursday for theHomelass veterans services they helped me get into housing when I didnt have a place to live and I got into VOA housing then I went to Ocala to the Salvation Army for 3 months, after that I went to Vet Space in Gainesville, Fl here then on June 1st I moved into this apartment where I am now. I have a female roommate Melissa and she is my Best friend she helps when ahe can and I know she is here and thats a big help if I were to fall or anything, She is a real great friend and I love her a lot, very luckey to have a friend like her. I want to work on my self esteam issues about being disabled  Itell people im disabled because I had a brain tumor operation and they say you look fine to me why cant you work and its just to much top trey and explain, about my memory problems and other things which I have had to deal with after the surgey and along comes this now sometimes it seems like a lot to deal with, I get mad at the athritis but I dont know of anyn way to resolve these feelings I know it helps to blog them out like this. I know there is no majical awnsewr but I just want to get back some of the mobility that I had before the freedom to go anywhere anytime I wnat to and not worry about medications or what i should or should not be doing at a certain time. But I know I will have limitatins but where do you draw the line I dont have a lsrge support network of prople to turn to even at the AA meeting they are about recovery from booze not mental issues or my pain and Arthritis issues that I deal with every day. I never think sbout going to a bar and sitting there until the 3rd of next month but that is what a lot if prople on disability do. I know that but I choose not to live that lifestyle I have seentpo many of those people die and never make it back to a recovery meeting of AA ands I dont want to be one of them. Right now yes it is diffucult to make it to a meeting and I have to do more planing arouind my medications but In can do it as long as I dont feel to dizzy or out of balance like I did today I can go to the noon meeting then take my medications when I get home. dont care ifb ot is day or night meetings as long as I get to one. I hope the pain condition improves over the nest weeks and I do have to do as my doctor says for now abiut the driving I cant really rationalize my way out of it I am supposded to take my meds in the morning 2 methadone then one at nite and the perocet as needed for pain so I may be on here more often griping about my meds while they are allowing me to situp and type this letter, Thats all for now I will repost next week.