Single mom of 4 boys, I've been depressed all my life because of childhood abuse. I'm from a large family that I grew up in feeling like I was a bother.  My marriage was abusive of course, it was an escape from my abusive home,  and I was pregnant so he felt he had to marry me..  I look back at all my relationships with men and wonder "what was I thinking?", = they were escapes, out of the frying pan into the fire.  That's my whole life..  When I told my ex husband I didn't want to be married anymore I don't remember what he said. I do remember he left me 2 months later when I was at work.  I was devestated. He took our 2 sons ages 6 and 9 from me and their older 12yr brother (from another relationship).  My life went downhill from there. I lost my job, house of 10 yrs, and eventually myself. I don't know who I am anymore.  I know the past year I've become more depressed with anxiety.  I've lost my kids. A week or more will go by and they won't call back after I have contacted them which adds to my depression. I don't blame them though I'm an awful mother - I realize this because I don't get anything for Mother's Day or Christmas. I think the relationship I'm in now is the reason why. I should've spent more time with my kids instead of getting into another relationship because I was alone and I didn't transportation at the time. I should've just enjoyed my kids. It's easy to say now. I haven't benefitted from the relationship I'm in now except my 7yr son. His father has tried suicide more then once. I didn't know this at the time I asked him to move in with me..                        I'm in counseling twice a month.  I'm unemployed but looking for a job everyday,., preferably within walking distance,  since I don't have a car.  I want to be better. Life is too short to be suffering and negative. I want to have fun again.