Friday, June 01, 2012
leah
  • leah
    is Fatigued and unable to sleep at night!
  • Location: mn
  • Gender: Female
  • Birthday: December 27, 1968
  • Bio: Bipolar,post traumatic stress syndrome,ocd,bpd,dpd
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HEALTH INTERESTS:

Depression and anxiety medication that works. Healing,  maintaining weight.....

DRUGS I AM TAKING:

Ive been on so many.Currently on zoloft ...again. I still feel Im getting no where.

ABOUT ME:

Hi,Ive been married for 23 years to the same man.Im a mom and a grandma. Im having great difficulty with mental and alot of physical illness.I have no life of my own.I always say I exist,I dont live. My husband used to tell me all the time,"your a waste of oxygen and space. I really feel its true.I was very abused growing up,and it has affected me tremendously.I have a drivers license but thats it, no car ,no checking, no money in my purse. I hate to go out in public.I go to docter appointments, thats it!My husband controls the bills and shopping. I can write a list and hope I get the things Ive written down. Im not even exaggerating. I dont know or have heard of anyone who lives this way. Its partly my choice, I understand this.I wish I was normal with a normal life. I am ashamed of the nobody that I am. I sometimes wish my husband would just leave me,instead of harass me about this illness he can not understand.I asked him a few weeks ago, "why do you stay with me?" He responded "Its my responsibility,I stand by all my mistakes and your the biggest one." I was looking for "I love you."I purposely planned to get pregnant at 16 years old. My FANTASY was escape and a happy home. Im now a nothing with nothing. I used to be physically abused, until I called police a couple times. After anger management and big fines , I am no longer touched. But I feel abused financially, and mentally.I have learning disabilities and no education. Im getting older and have major anxiety and ocd over my appearance. I feel its the only thing that makes me special,gets me attention and keeps a roof over my head is my looks at the same time I hate to go in public because alot of people stare at me. Some women can be sooo mean and catty,I recently had a nurse ,{the dr. office WAS my safe place} give me the third degree what I did for work ,because I was dressed up wearing a dress and heals. She was bitchy when she walked up to me.What do you do where you can dress up like that? She said "Im so sick of these scrubs!She gave me the third degree when she heard I was a homemaker! She wanted to know how many kids ,the ages,what my husband does for a living,because she sees NOBODY these days with single income households! I hated telling her "I have mental illness." She didnt care. I wont go back just because of her. I did complain to my docter who is great. She said "oh shes just jealous,she mentioned something about you. Was it the pretty dress or the job thing? Can you believe it! I was depressed about myself for weeks! and Im very passive aggressive.Then if people dont notice me I feel old or ugly. I know its not normal. Maybe Im perceiving things wrong? Maybe its all in my head? The social anxiety has gotten really bad. I feel if Im Im not picture perfect down to painted toes or a certain weight I cant be seen in public. Since the zoloft and kidney problems Ive put on weight, so I dont go out even avoiding the docter. I am a really good artist though, and have so many other interests and ideas that I never pursue. I have a garage full of partially finished projects such as shabby chic decorating. I also love reading, gardening,health and beauty {staying youthful} and the science behind it, refinishing furniture,nutrition and of course art,art,art!Ive had previous suicide attempts, and was hospitalized once for an overdose of sleeping and other meds. I actually got in trouble. My husband just glared at me in the hospital room. I was about 15 minutes away from my parents house,they knew and never showed up. I dont understand that? I never see them,they also have mental illness and stay to themselves. I never know what mood my screaming banchie mom will be in, so I have anxiety going there. I also feel anxiety around my dad. I still get that feeling he could hall off and hit me if I said the wrong thing. One time I went to visit with my baby daughter when I was 17 years old and my mom was mad at me for just showing up. Ill never forget before I reached the door she came running out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!" I was just homesick believe it or not. I didnt go over much after that then it happened again when she had relatives over and she wasnt happy cause there wasnt enough food for us . I wouldnt eat .I just sat in the other room ,holding back tears watching the tv wishing I still had a home and a tv to watch, knowing I made a big mistake. At the time we were real young and took two buses to get there,lived in a really bad neighborhood, had no tv,no food,no car. I soon started heavy drugs and we became dealers. Our life was hell full of danger and drama in those times. So I talked to my sister a few months ago and she suggested online support groups. I really want to become a person and not hide away from the world,if only I could get healthy despite my basket full of vitamins and supplements and herbs.I dont sleep at night,I sleep in the day and avoid people all together. I havent been to family functions in over three years. Im also a recovering drug addict,even if I wanted to I couldnt because when my husband went to jail and cleaned up ,I had to too. No money.no car I have no friends or contacts. I would never want to go back to that lifestyle though. Besides all that ,its hard watching my husband become so successful in his line of work,with all the traveling and people that he has contact with. Co-workers and friends. We live seperate lives. Hes become a workaholic to deal with all this and he likes to be a big shot in a fancy car with fancy things.Always on the phone and doesnt interact or talk to me unless its to yell at me, oh or unless he wants sex. And if I say no I get punished with attitude and other crap, Mind game crap. He has gotten alot better since we were first married,he used to cheat constantly on me and with anyone I befriended and turn them into his friends. I cant go on this way much longer. I desperately need a medication that can work.I just really realized "I sound really bitter and angry!" I always thought Ive forgiven .I guess not. I want to though.......Well thats what I call my life....Proubly T.M.I. huh? Sorry for the rambling,it feels good to vent. Im a little nervous my family could find this though..Especially my husband, he would kill me!!!

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