HEALTH INTERESTS:

severe depression ,  ptsd,  agorophobia ,  i am working very hard on all these things5/13 attacked

DRUGS I AM TAKING:

now taking zoloft,  am up to 150 new therapist luckily with a psychopharmacologist and therapist with real training who agree that after over 10 years on one medication (celexa) and swithced and i became worse,  and was just left hanging ,  that the choice of having a pet scan and the possibility of supressing all the pain of incest,  then rape again as an adult,  being highly intelligent and being put down for it all my life to the point where i stopped speaking that my choice to find help else where was an excellent move. i had a wonderful intake 2 hours vs. 30 at the former clinc 5 years ago,  and being able to get a diagnosis and work with deep therapy not just "ok ok,  times up" and being told i have tried everyting 4 meds and there is no hope,  i am glad i left.

ABOUT ME:

it is hard for me to be that old bubbly me. i have severe depression please dont reject me as i am finding the courage to come out of the closet as a lesbian,believe me when i tell you it is not a lifestyle choice, i have always known, i am trying to get back to spritual practice buddhisim and judaism trying to find balance please i hope people will write to me i feel guilt by omission, it is difficult becasue of being rejected , i hope you dont hate judge me for being lesbian, i cannot live a lie, i would never be happy if i didnt come out that is another reason i found a new therapist at a clinic that serves everyone, i hope your hearts will still be open to me and others like me, i would like to hear from others in my position i cant live a lie while trying to be well. i just never spoke of it, add hiding to depression, i have lost more friends being told being a lesbian is my depression problem, i am being my authentic self i have to be free l will have the have no one in my life as a life partner as i feel i need to heal as adaquately as I can before i could be with the one person who loves herself enough to take care of herself what ever her human needs are, i cannot bring her into my world just now as i am struggling, i want a healthy relationship , a friend who will get to know me , my talents and strength and not enter into a friendship that is flawed by my feelings of not being healthy enough to give her the love and support she needs i wish to enjoy life, not feel this bad, i have an illness and i need time to heal so i choose to live alone for now, i have just a few friends and they dont see why i havent entered into a relationship depressed or not, frankly if i cant love myself fully, how can i love such a one as i hope to discover on this journey we call life, i get laughed at as i am and always have been a virgin i am in my mid forties and these friends think i have to have someone, they just dont get it, i dont HAVE TO HAVE anyone, I am healing, until i am ready i will keep trying to learn to live with depression, get used to the many medication trials until we , my doctor and i have found a correct combination feel free to write , THOUGHT MY FRIENDS WERE REAL UNTIL I HAD A DOUBLE MASCDECTOMY, AND CHOSE TO NOT TRY TO CURE CANCER BY NATURAL MEANS. and they who were so health conscious saw me as a sell out for going to a Internal medicine physician, i have lost both parents in 2008 one in May, then the other in July. i was told i was strong could get through it.i feel transparent, keep to myself , i try to write but just now when it is possible, this is the best i can do for now . i love nature and moonlight, stars, the sea, animals, i play guitar and banjo but cant just now. music is difficult for me to listen to at times , sometimes i need quite, i enjoy, classical, k.d.lang, gordon lightfoot, buffy saint-marie, joan baez, joni mitchell tracy chapman peter paul and mary, silent movies and pop corn, historical novels, british shows, period movies howards end, remains of the day, that sort of thing, movies from silent times to 1960's. i love black and white. always wanted to be a film maker, i choose what i watch and listen to so many triggers, have my own sense of fashion not into what media says, i choose carefully due to the triggers that are aimed at us every day i am getting rid of the telly i have my choice right here and can watch movies on my computer , stream video, and listen to a great deal of soothing poetry through the writers almanac presented by garrison keillor. right now i need gentle things, kindness, people who are not bigoted against skin colour, mental illness, or animals, having trouble going out just now i miss my bird watching. i have fibromyalgia osteoarthritis, h epC from a transfusion long ago, type 2 diabetes, chronic fatigue depression so i must be kind to myself. i think of all of these autoimmune illness's as unwanted guest. they dont define me, i may have to use a cane or a scooter on bad days, but it is the depression that is the worst pain. may you all find something to soothe you a cup of tea a hot bath please write when you can i need you all, we need each other. thanks for reading this, peace, starshine

PHOTOS:

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ROLES:

Living With It in Depression