Apprehensive yet hopeful!

Have you ever been scared of something yet kind of looking forward to it at the same time? 

This is exactly how I feel at the moment.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and Fibromyalgia and was diagnosed almost 20 years ago.  I have been through a whole list of treatments trying to find one that works for me.  The closest I came to seeing any improvement was when I was put onto Humira injections.  Slowly after a few weeks of having the needles I (and others around me) started to notice that I was able to do little things that had seemed impossible for me before.

Unfortunately after a year on Humira I hit a wall and it seemed that my body built up some kind of a resistance to it and it just stopped working for me.

I was then put onto Enbrel and was hopeful that I would have the same positive reaction to it as I did in the beginning with the Humira.  I never did :(... I kept waiting and waiting for it to kick in and for me to start feeling better but it just never happened.  My specialist agreed that I was getting no benefit from it and arranged for me to begin Orencia infusions

Before the infusions could commence, I was experiencing extreme pain in one of my big toes and woke one day to find it huge, and red and filled with pus.  I was admitted to hospital were they diagnosed it as Septic Arthritis and had a permanent line attached so that I could receive IV antibiotics 24/7 for months.  In October the line had to be removed as it too had become infected.  Things were very drastic and I came very close to losing my foot.

My Rheumatologist tells me that it was because the Enbrel had made me so immuno-suppressed that I contracted the infection.  I have had to wait months now until the infection had completely cleared before trying to start the Orencia again.

So now TUESDAY is the big day, I will have my first infusion.

Like the heading of the post says, I am very apprehensive yet at the same time hopeful that Orencia will be the miracle that I have been hoping for.

I keep telling myself that I couldn't receive a better Christmas present than a chance to feel at least a little bit better.