In sickness and in health...

By relentless artista Sunday, September 05, 2010

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Not too long ago, I found out that I have RA. I'm 24, mother of one beautiful little 2 1/2 year old, and proud military wife. I've always been supportive of my husband and proud of him for being a man of his country. However, here recently I bestowed on him my concerns w/ this new hurdle. Still in shock myself, and trying to come to terms that this is very real and not some sort of bad nightmare, I gave him so information about RA. Over the course of two weeks, I had asked him a couple times if he'd read any and to my surprise he hadn't. I also have very severe IBS which can be very debilitating in itself and also a very hard concept for someone who has not experienced IBS to understand. Last night, reeling in pain, I asked him if he would mind staying home instead of fishing, so he could help me out with the babe. Not only did he get upset, but made me feel like I was to blame for being ill. Surely, this is not something I planned, nor wanted to go through... but to be angry over something I cannot control, is just hurtful.

Does he not care? Is it easier to put the blame on me rather than some faceless illness? Denial?

In tears, I reminded him "in sickness and in health"... This is not the life I wanted, but I'm traveling this road, and I certainly don't want to go it alone. After letting me sleep off the 13hrs in the ER, he conveyed his willingness to show his support. I wonder though, what is it like for spouses when they find out they're significant other is suffering? Any advice from others?

Comments (8) | Add comment

Nan

9/ 6/10 7:23am

First, thank your husband for his service to our country and freedom for me. My husband and both sons have or are serving our great nation. I believe husbands respond differently than us to matters such as this. Not reading the info may be his way of denying it exists. He will be there for you but in his own way. And from what I've learned men deal with big things by sorting it out alone where we tend to verbalize our feelings. Fishing may have been his coping moment, not sure. I worry constantly that I put a damper on my husbands activities. I don't travel well anymore, I no longer have the endurance to go all day at anything. Sometimes it seems he doesn't understand and then he'll suprise me by doing small things to make my day easier. It may be making the bed or changing the doorknobs to easier ones or buying me a jar opener. Men get upset too and I think its because they can't fix it, he can't protect you from this. Allow him some time to deal with this on his own and he will probably suprise you. Watch for the little things, they'll come. He needs to find the things that impower him to fight this for and with you.

V, Health Guide

9/ 6/10 7:58am

I agree w/Nan's comments. Men don't tend to verbalize their concerns. Most of us women like to talk things through and somehow that helps us cope. Men are "fixers". They are intent on taking care of their family, and they are lost when they can't fix things in this world. A chronic illness is a lot to process, and we all do this in our own way. I think we all deny the reality for a while until our minds are capable of accepting it. This takes all of us a different amount of time. I think your husband is probably still trying to get his mind around the situation. You can work this out together. Give yourself and your husband some time. You may very well end up closer than you have ever been.

I am also w/Nan on the thanks to your husband for his service to our country. He has my utmost respect and gratitude. Peace, v

relentless artista

9/ 6/10 1:03pm

Thanks for the insigh ladies. I concur with both of your points. I'm definitely the more verbal of the two of us and can honestly see how it all makes sense. DH is very much so the type always wanting to fix or find a better way, so very probable. I haven't pushed the topic anymore, if he wants to talk he will do so when he is ready. Today we decided to team effort to do some deep cleaning and he didn't mind letting me take breaks and even offered to take over scrubbing. Like Nan said, the little things count a lot =) I really appreciate your support, it means a lot to be able to talk to others who share this common ground.

sunshinegal43oh

9/ 8/10 8:13am

First of all, I want to thank your husband for his service to our country, for helping to guarantee that our freedom continues!

I'm sure you remember the "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" series. I found so many things explained in that series to be oh so true!

Men have to be the strong ones! Crying makes you a sissy! They feel when approached with an issue the need to "fix" said issue. I'm sure when faced with your illnesses, your husband was stressed because there's no easy "man-fix" for the problem. He may have been feeling that he let you down in some way. Your desire to discuss it with him may have made his feelings of inadequecy that much stronger, so the way he responded was with anger. Maybe not so much at you but frustration with not being able to fix the situation.

Us girls love to hash things out, don't we? Nothing a little coffee and a good talk with a great friend can't fix. Men don't need to "verbalize" like we do. They find a solution and put said solution into motion. Problem solved.

When you asked him to watch the baby, he also may have felt resentful, like being in the military was already sacrifice enough, without having to give up his free time to do his spouse's "work".

What it boils down to is this; if he loves you, he'll deal with your illnesses and support you, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". It just may take him a bit more "quiet" time to reach that conclusion (and it sounds like he has).

All you can do is be honest with him. Even though men don't like to verbalize, women do, and you need his shoulder to lean on when you don't feel well. When he helps you out, praise him for doing so. If he does something unexpected, let him know how grateful you are for his help. Love transcends all. It just takes men and women two different roads to reach the end goal is all.

You've got a lot of women friends here (and guys, too) who are happy to listen to you vent and to offer support and advice when needed.

Let us know when you need us!

'Shine

relentless artista

9/ 9/10 11:33am

Thanks Shine!! Really puts things in perspective. :)

Lene Andersen, Health Guide

9/ 9/10 11:24am

I think it's hard for men, especially - they like to be able to fix things and when they can't, sometimes they react by getting angry at the person who needs the help. I can highly recommend you get a book called The First Year with Rheumatoid Arthritis -it's an excellent resource and learning tool and one of the chapters deal with family. The author phrases it in a really interesting way, she says that when you have a chronic illness, your family have a chronic illness and your husband may be dealing with his own feelings of shock and grief. Grief is a very big part of adjusting to RA - you have to grieve the loss of your healthy self and your husband is probably grieving that, as well. I would suggest counseling, not just for you to get help in adjusting, but also for the two of you together, if possible, to have an environment where you can openly share your feelings about this and learn coping tools that will help you get through it. Therapists that specializes in the cognitive behavioral approach can be especially helpful.

Open lines of communication are essential and from what you've described you're trying, but your husband is having a hard time listening. Keep talking, send him to this site to get more information - however, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Him not reading the pamphlet sounds as if he's firmly in the ostrich stage, where he is hiding his head in the sand and practicing denial. One night, when the baby is sleeping, maybe sit down and ask if there's something he wants to talk about, if he has any questions, share your feelings of how this definitely wasn't what you plan and how you're worried. Sometimes, you have to sort of take the guy by the hand and lead him to the point where he can admit he's worried, too. And that's a start. It will probably take a while, though.

relentless artista

9/13/10 1:25pm

Thanks for the advice Lene, I'm definitely going to check out the books! I think it's also hard for him to adjust being that I'm still in shock and denial myself. On good days, I feel like maybe it's not really true??? Even to the extent of feeling guilty for good days. Does that make any sense?! All the more reason to read I suppose =)

Lene Andersen, Health Guide

9/13/10 6:53pm

denial ain't just a river in Egypt - it is very normal place to spend some time after diagnosis and you can probably expect to move in and out of that phase. It's one of the reasons that seeing a counselor can be a great help. Adjusting to life with a chronic illness is hard work and it helps having someone to guide you through it. As for the guilt…see above regarding weird, messed up emotions after diagnosis. Try to be kind to yourself - beating yourself up takes a lot of energy that you need for other things. One of the things I found really helpful when engaged in being mean to myself is to ask what I would do if someone did that to someone I love. Usually the answer is that I wouldn't accept it, which inevitably leads to being nice to yourself.it's hard enough battling RA, no need to add other types of negative emotions to the mix.

Hang in there. And use our community for support - it makes it easier.

In sickness and in health...

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