For Hire: Personal Assistant to Manage Rheumatoid Arthritis
Wanted: Personal Assistant to manage high-maintenance chronic illness
Start date: Immediately
Reports to: Me, and my medical supersquad
Highly motivated, detail-oriented (likely masochistic individual) sought by busy, overwhelmed young professional to fully manage the ups and downs of a chronic illness.
Responsibilities include, but are not limited to, the following:
• Schedule myriad and copious appointments with aforementioned medical supersquad as well as alternative therapy practitioners
• Attend all medical and alternative therapy appointments to track progress, tests, test results and track follow-ups with medical supersquad.
• Manage and refill numerous monthly prescriptions, supplements and other materials required for injections.
• Manage tight budget to pay for all of the above
• Implement fail proof system to ensure medical regimen is adhered to by overwhelmed professional.
• Assist in preparation for travel, particularly long distance trips.
• Research and report on new developments in the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis and anything pertaining to that subject
• Implement and oversee exercise plan to ensure overwhelmed professional is working out and staying fit
• Devise, shop for and prepare nutritional system to ensure that overwhelmed professional is eating all things beneficial to chronic illness
• Pick up and carry any type of package, baggage or other heavy, cumbersome item as needed
• Clean household and take care of other household chores that put increased strain on overwhelmed professional’s joints
• Liaise with insurance company to advocate fiercely for best quality care on behalf of overwhelmed professional and ensure care is being paid for by said insurance company. Must not be afraid to be wrathful, as called upon, with said insurance company.
• Ability to cope with volatile, ever-changing conditions at a minute’s notice which could require the cancellation and rescheduling of all previously made appointments, including medical, professional and personal
• Cut throat attitude towards insurance professionals
• Limitless compassion and empathy towards overwhelmed professional and her joints
• Must be available to work full time, including weekdays, evenings, weekends and holidays.
• Certification as massage therapist, physical therapist, yoga therapist, acupuncturist and nutritionist a plus.
Compensation and benefits: Meager, given the current cost of overwhelmed professional’s copays for appointments and prescriptions. No vacation. No sick days, no health insurance plan, and no retirement available unless a cure is found.
Interested applicants should seek psychiatric care immediately.