just venting....

So....last night sucked....I hate RA waking me in the night just to mess with me.

I hate waking up paralyzed by pain but unable to move and get more comfortable...

knowing there isn't a "more comfortable" right then.....

we sleep with the tv remote between our pillows....my husband and I...

I knew there was no way I could roll over or reach behind my head and get the remote....

so I tried to get up to just turn the tv off...thinking that the lesser of two evils...

there was no "lesser" last night...

My husband heard me crying and asked

"did you take the med? where does it hurt?"

because he rubs my shoulder or where ever if I need him to...

I told him I took the stupid medicine and I'd be ok....

don't want to keep him up knowing there's nothing either of us could do.

I couldn't answer the "where does it hurt" part....at least not out loud

because every possible bendy-place on my body hurt and on both sides....

jaws, shoulders, elbows, wrists, fingers, hips, knees, ankles....

I laid there amazed at how emcompassing this can be....

Livid because I couldn't "man up" and will myself into feeling better

or at least feeling less handi-capped....

I honestly can't believe I'm putting this our there for everyone and their dog to read

and know....

No one I know personally knows the true extent of what this does to me sometimes

RA isn't something I've posted on facebook

It's safe to admit it here though....because someone else out there can probably relate

and won't think me weak for feeling so defeated.

I'm one of those people who's lead a somewhat soap-opera -ish life at times...

and I endure whatever the drama is...and really try to not to let anyone know

how much things truly affect me....

Haven't quite figured out how to do that with RA yet....

because while my mind and heart are saying "man up people deal with much worse~ daily"

My body betrays me with enlarged blue-ish knuckles and the different gait when I walk...

So there it is....

ironically I felt better when it was finally time to "get up" this am

Guess the extended release anti-inflammatory crap I took before bed finally kicked in?

Nice....

So that's it for now...thanks for listening to me vent.

I appreciate it more than you know.....