It’s been a rough 24 hours.

My mom is in a garden club and had to provide some of the food for her meeting today. I wanted to help because I love love love to bake, so I told her I would make the two desserts for her: a white chocolate and raspberry tart and lemon pound cake petit fours. She made delicious egg salad tea sandwiches and veggie slices with flavored cream cheeses.

I’m convinced that excessive strain on my joints triggers flare-ups. Well, I’ve known this for awhile, but I decided to ignore that fact anyway. I was being stupid last night and decided it was okay to stir a really big bowl of thick icing…for about 5 minutes while it thickened even more.

3o mins later I was sitting on my bed calling for my mom. It’s been awhile since I’ve needed her help getting ready for bed, so she didn’t know why I didn’t just come out to talk to her. She helped me take off my bra and turned out the lights. She is my savior.

I sat in bed with a throbbing wrist. I could tell it was going to be one of those nights. Every heart beat pulsed more blood through my wrist and sent searing pain. There’s nothing you can do. You are at the mercy of the whims of your body’s immune system.

I can’t explain how out of control you can feel in moments like these. It’s terrifying.  Sometimes you think to yourself “What if the pain keeps getting worse? How much pain can one person endure? Would my skin ripe open if my wrist swelled anymore?” You want to lay in bed for the rest of your life.The pain makes you scared to experience life because most of life’s experiences bring you pain.

On nights like those I usually sing myself to sleep. You have to get your mind off the pain somehow, so I usually get my ipod out and sing along until I’m too tired to open my eyes. By the time I wake up again and realize the music is still blasting, I am too tired to feel anything so I just turn it off and slip back into my sleepy escape.