Just Venting before my fourth Rheumatology appt. tomorrow...

Well, tomorrow is my fourth rheumatology appointment.  My rheumatologist is excellent and the nurses there are really great.  Every time I go to see my rheumy he always keep saying the same thing over and over, "You should have been treated three or four years ago."  He just shakes his head and always says the same thing.  I'm wondering if he'll say the same thing tomorrow as I wonder about what tomorrows appointment has in store for me.  Right now I'm taking twelve 2.5mg tablets once a week.  I also take Plaquenil 400mg twice a day.  I'm feeling alot better but I'm still having some pain in my hands.  When I was at my doctor last time he mentioned adding another medicine in.  On my right hand my index finger knuckle is beginning to raise and its been staying red and tender.  Honestly, this disease really terrifies me. 

I went out with a friend the other night-Well we started talking about our dreams and goals in life.  It was so weird because for the first time in my life I felt so dumbfounded about what I wanted in my life.  I'd always wanted a family with children and to have an awesome career.  Everything I've wanted for my life seems so far from me.  I felt a couple of months ago my dreams had been robbed from me and it felt like all four walls were crashing in on me.  Now that my pain is under better control I can think much more clear but I feel stuck.  I don't know where I go from here.  I can't imagine having children, which would mean I'd have to be off the medicine and who knows what type of turn my RA would take once I'm off the medicine.  I read about the RA medicines I'm taking and they say these medicines typically shorten your life span, which is scary.  All the side effects of the medicines are scary too.  I want to push forward and go back to college and live the best quality of life I can.  I'm always an optimist so I do my best to keep positive.  Well, I suppose this is just me venting...Can anyone else relate?