I am missing my babies! Blue October.

I don't know what else to say... except ((((hugs)))) to you.  I understand the disappointments that this flippin disease can bring.  My dream has always been to be an elementary teacher.  I've got about 2 years of school in... (had to take lots of breaks from setbacks and children being born... which of course I do not regret that part) but now reality is setting in, and I have no idea how the heck I could teach a class full of children full time, when making a simple dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup completely wipes me out.  I have always believed that everything is for a reason... but lately I have such a difficult time finding a reason for any of this.  It seems so senseless.  I'm sorry you've had a rotten month.  I pray that November brings you happiness.  (((hugsss))) again

I guess we need new dreams. I had a horse dream too only on a much bigger scale. I have had horses all my life. I wanted to be a horse breeder. In some ways I was almost there. I was breeding and showing my own horses. I bought a 9 month old filly 26 years ago. She taught my kids to ride and we also wanted to raise another foal. We found out she produced wonderful babies and started showing them. When her babies grew up we also had babies out of them. Our original mare produced a colt that I feel in love with and wanted to go into the breeding business. He was going to me my stallion and I was going to show and promote him. We gave up alot, even our home to do it. He was one of the best horses and I won every class I would go in. We had state records and planned to take him to the World show when he got sick with EPM. He stumbled and would fall. His back legs where gone. He was on Anti Malaria drugs simular to some of the drugs I see people take for RA. He was treated for 10 months twice a day. I even doubled his dose. It cost a fortune too but I was not going to let him die. My vet said he never seen a horse improve as much as he did. He is not sound on his back legs (Neurological damage)but he gets around like a normal horse. All I cared about was that he was sound enough to breed and that the disease would not come back. The first year we tried breeding him, he would fall hard. We gave him another year to heal and tried with just one mare the next year. I continued to breed my other mares to outside horses that I hoped would later cross with my stallion. I picked the best bloodlines I could find. I had then raised 7 generation for my broodmare band. I also had a second stallion hat I raised as a back up incase my favorite stallion did not get better. With all this happening we where still struggling for a place to keep all the horses. We had 6 moves in 5 years. We finally went to the desert where nobody bothers us or we don't bother them. Now I have a nice big place, 29 horses and I am starting to get pains everyday. I am out in the boonies. The only two vets in the area, die in the first 6 months I live her. I am delivering breach, upside down foals myself with no medication. How I had the strength, I have no clue. I am sitting in the snow with my bones chilled but I finally get to see the results of all my work. We had 5 foals from my stallion. I was not able to even halter break them. I can't handle even a well mannared horse. I crushed my wrist in a fall (not horse related) that did not heal right. I am not sure if I had RA before but after the break, everything was worse than before. Before I had carpal tunnel, a knee, anckle, or shoulder out, stiffness and not very sure on my feet. Like you I am afraid to get hurt. I did give some of the horses away. Those that I did sell, I got almost nothing for them due to the price of hay and the economy. I have 7 left. I thought I was going to keep them but I am rethinking it since I can't do a thing with them. I am not even taking care of them like I should. It has been very hard for me to let go of the dream.

I like to keep my kids close too. My girls are 26 and 29. They have both lived away from home where I didn't see them much. That was hard. But they did both move back, and then my oldest left again. My youngest daughter and my grandson and her jerk of a boyfriend live in my guest house. I like having them close. My oldest daughter lives two hours away but we still don't see each other that often. She was down last weekend. She helped me clean house. That was nice. Yesterday she called and is comming up with her boyfriend after work. They are testing the drive for traffic to see how it would be if they moved back home. It would be nice to have her home.