Happy First Anniversary

Here it is, my first anniversary of my official RA diagnosis.  I keep checking with my front office here at work, to see if I got flowers, or a card, or even the traditional paper gift.  Nothing.  Guess no one remembered this day, but me. 

     A year ago today, I was shellshocked to the get the DX.  I really shouldn't have been, because I had diagnosed my own illness (with the help of WebMD)and presented it to my primary care doctor, after ruling out everything else (I should have stuck with medical school as I had originally planned).  I remember being scared out of my mind, thinking I was going to be disabled. I remember not being able to sleep at night.  I remember being frustrated with the pain, the lack of empathy, and the lack of meds, and the 'death wish' I had nurtured for those 3 months. I remember not liking my rheumatologist, because I felt he really didn't care about me.  I remember my mother being as scared as I was, and even more worried, because she's the Mom, and Moms worry about EVERYTHING. 

    I remember Mom telling me she would buy a handicapped shower chair, and all kinds of special devices for "people like me" (for when I went to visit her in TX). Now hold on a minute!   People like me do things like ride a motorcycle. People like me do yardwork.  People like me sweep and mop their floors and clean their homes! And people like me have Rheumatoid Arthritis and manage just fine!  And I realized I had to remember that!  Once I got my precious drugs (Plaquenil and Prednisone), I got back to being "a person like me". 

     Fast forward to a year later, today, and I think about those horrendous months of not being able to zip up my pants, or hold my arms up to wash my hair (what good it would have done, when I couldn't move my fingers either). I remember the days of not being able to hold a pencil, or tie my shoes, or staple my papers at work.  I remember dreading to get up to go to the restroom or the copier, because I could swear that everyone could hear the inner screams of pain inside me.  I remember the days when I wasn't "ME".  But now, life is good again.  My pain is virtually non existent. I guess I was one of the lucky ones.  RA doesn't consume my every living thought.  Some days I forget I have it. 

     Today was my 3 month date with my beloved rheumatologist (who I like now). I just remembered that I did get my "paper gift" for my anniversary. Actually, I got 2 gifts of paper! One was a prescription for another 3 months of Plaquenil and the other was an Xray order (of my hands and wrists because now I have "thickening").  *Sigh* 

     But, to celebrate my "anniversary", I can smile again because gone are the worries of disability, the pain, the sadness, the depression.  I know that fearful 'flare' is lurking somewhere waiting to hit me when I'm the most vulnerable, but it's not today.  This is my first anniversary.  And I'm celebrating without pain.  Happy Anniversary to me! 

~desiree