Is is "Me" or is it Memorex? Reality evolves...

Hi -

I am constantly finding myself in the situation of trying to re-connect or re-create some event (be it journaling, a retreat, an activity, a relationship) from the past that simply doesn't work anymore for me.  And that can get frustrating and discouraging, until I call myself back into the present and admit that I am here & now, and I have to act out of that reality, and not the old one!

  For instance, there is a annual church retreat this weekend, not too far from home, that I've wanted to go to again for several years.  I even turned down another event (that I wasn't as thrilled with, and farther from home) because THIS YEAR I was definitely going to go.

   And so what happens?  The time is now, but I am neither in the right frame of mind or body to do this right now!  Finally we have some summer weather, my husband is working on our house for a few weeks of his vacation, and I don't want to lose the weekend to go to a retreat!  I could kick myself (I already have), but that's the truth.  I would be wishing I was home, and outdoors gardening, or just relaxing, the whole time! 

    And really, it's actually a fact that I have begun to be able to 'retreat' when I need to, on my own time, at home.  I can even feel guilty being upstairs in my favorite part of the house, while my husband is downstairs in his favorite part ... but RA has forced me to take the time I need - watch a health-inspiring program instead of the depressing political talk shows where all the bad news is regurgitated yet again & again, and all the talking heads interrupts each other to get their point made (how peaceful is that? I mean, it's just RUDE & UGLY, even if they are good comments...)   My husband & I connect when we can - but if I don't take the time to rest and regenerate, being together isn't any fun either, because I just don't feel good.

     So - I'm staying home to a) be myself, b) support my husband as he fixes up my sewing room.  Spend some time by myself, some with him, some outdoors, and some just sleeping - in my own bed!  And maybe an hour on Saturday morning volunteering at the Thrift Store.

    But it's so ironic - after looking forward to this event.   And this happens over and over again -an event gives me something to look forward to, to "shoot for" and then I back out.  Yet, I can't seem to find the 'new thing to do', it's mostly old ones being re-invented.   There's a quilt camp in September I considered going to.  But I am afraid, once again, it would be too intense, energy and information-wise, for me to enjoy.  So - I go to the quilt shows, get ideas, and enjoy the show, but move on SLOWLY at my own pace, doing little projects when i can and occasionally, completing a large project over 3 or 4 YEARS!   That's just me.  That's my speed.  It works for me when other things don't.