Endings and beginnings. Beginnings and endings.
Where do I begin? Where do I end?
How do we tell our stories? How do we make our mark on this world? What do we want our legacies to be?
These are questions that I will face in 2013, as one of my goals is to write a memoir about my experience with lupus and arthritis.
But before I start a new chapter, I need to reflect on the last one.
It has been a crazy up and down year for me.
Just a few months into 2012, I met an amazing guy. Things are great. I’ve met his family. He has met mine.
And he has stood by me through starting Humira, messing up Humira, and going off of Humira because it made my lupus flare for a month. He’s comforted me in painful moments, dried my tears, and made me laugh.
He feels like everything I’ve wanted, but more than I deserve.
That has been the up of 2012.
The down has been that both my lupus and rheumatoid arthritis have not been stable. I have had times of feeling pretty good, and other times of feeling pretty bad. My left ankle has been swollen and painful for over a month. And a trip to my rheumatologist confirmed that it’s from my arthritis, and has necessitated the reinstitution of daily prednisone, much to my chagrin.
That said, 2013 holds a lot of promise. I will be defending my dissertation and earning my Ph.D. My guy and I will hopefully be moving forward, starting a new adventure in our life together.
My future on the health front is not as clear. But I am trying to take it one day at a time, enjoying the heck out of the good days and coping as best as I can with the bad.
But it’s hard. Right now, I’m having difficulty putting into words the events of this year, in my own life, and in the lives of others. I don’t want to get political here, but I have to say that a lot of what’s on my mind right now is the horrendous occurrence that happened in Newtown, Connecticut last week.
Sometimes there are things that happen that transcend our experiences with illness. This can be good and bad. I think the love that I have in my current relationship does that. But so do terrible, unexplainable events that make us realize that our lives, despite the hardships of illness, are not as bad as we think they are.
I can only hope that next year will prove to be safer and happier for us all. It’s a bit hard to think about the future when the situation seems pretty bleak.