Lene asked me to share my experience with this as far as my family and friends are concerned. I am happy to do that.
I spent years trying to behave as though I felt fine and not inflict my pain on my loved ones especially. I did notice that my husband watched me constantly and he would look for signs of pain. He knew that if I touched my wrist that it was really hurting me. He watched my face for signs. My grown children did that same. They didn't know how to help me because I wasn't telling them the truth.
Then, it hit me that I was actually doing them more harm by trying to protect them from my pain. They were picturing me as much worse than I sometimes was. So, little by little, I told them how I was feeling. It felt so liberating for me and for them. They have stopped worrying as much because they know that I will now tell them the truth. In addition, I have finally started giving myself permission to say that I am in pain, grab a book, relax and watch my husband do the household chores. Honesty has been my savior. Of course, I am still in constant pain but I no longer have to pretend that nothing hurts. I still work so the first thing I do when I get home is to take a vicodan. Then, if I feel up to it, I make us a meal. If not, my husband grabs the takeout menus. It is much healthier for us all to be honest with those who love us because we don't often realize how worried they are about us. Jane
Hi, Jane. I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I've been experiencing painful joints off and on for ten years. The last year has been much more intense for me. I used to try to hide the pain, but these last few months, I find that I just don't have the energy to do so anymore. My husband is supportive and I let him know when I am having a bad day. He slows his walk so I can keep up with him, and he offers his hand when we have to walk up on a curb or down from a big step, etc. It has become second-nature to us both. I have to say, we are probably closer than we have ever been. At the same time, I am very attentive to him when he is ill. He was sick a couple of weeks ago, and he actually scared me. He wouldn't go to the doctor, so I stayed home from work two days to stay with him. It is a give and take relationship. We joke that we are gettin' old, but we can lean on each other, thank goodness! My elderly folks live with us. They have their own side of the house but we share the kitchen. They used to treat me as though I was still 17 years old. I am 56. I don't mind running errands for them, etc, but now they finally seem to get the fact that I have a chronic pain condition, and sometimes I need to rest. And sometimes I don't have the energy to do everything they would like me to do. FINALLY! As I said before, I ran out of energy trying to pretend, so this all just sort of happened naturally. If I don't have the energy to run the sweeper, it just waits, or my husband runs it for me. We both work full time, and my husband has a very demanding job w/a lot of responsibility, so we just do the best we can within our abilities at the time. As I have told him many times, "The earth is not going to start spinning on its axis if this doesn't get done today." There is something freeing about coming to terms with our situations, not trying to deny the pain. It frees us from the guilt we impose on ourselves for not being to keep up with everything we used to keep up with. It forces us to concentrate on what is really important in life, and not beat ourselves up for what we cannot do anymore. It is much better to celebrate the things we CAN do and enjoy. And it is much better to help those who are less fortunate than ourselves, even it it is just with a kind word, or a smile. Sometimes that means more to a person than anything else you can do. Sometimes that is what we most need, too. Peace, V
What a positive comment! I have seen my husband and I get closer through it as well. There are many positives about having RA. Of course, there are many negatives. It has made me more open and honest and I have concentrated on doing the most important things with my time as opposed to thinking I have to do everything. That's amazing that you have your parents living with you. Glad you finally convinced them that you do have a disease. Good for you. Peace right back at you . Jane