finally had to face it

I was diagnosed three years ago. I have been through two doctors and am on my fourth biologic. It keeps advancing through my body and keeping me in constant pain.  I found a picture of myself with two of my grown daughters. I looked ten years younger and was half the size I am now and this picture was taken 2 1/2 years ago. I was healthy and accustomed to doing lots of physical activity with my family.  We are an active bunch. Now, I can't join in. I am the grumpy, fat, old person just watching the fun. I have been waiting for the magic med. The one that would make me myself again.  After I found the picture, it hit me that the person is the picture is gone. I am the person with RA and the person who is rapidly losing my ability to move much. Now, I have to find a way to be that person graciously.  But, all I feel is pissed off. I don't know how to live being me now. I thought I had it handled.  I was doing everything right and being the perfect patient. But, now, I see that I was waiting for it end.  And, now, I see that it won't end.  How do we accept that?