Status update: ...is having a day.

I am fan of the social networking sites, inparticular Facebook. It has allowed me to reconnect with lots of old friends and its fun. :) The one thing on FB I can't or at least wont do is air my medical issues. Very few if any of my friends know I have RA, only my very dearest friends know. Days like today where I would love to write in the status line of FB "is having a heck of a RA day." And it would be great to get the uplifting and encouraging words from my friends...but besides the fact that they don't know, the majority of people don't understand RA and frankly I am tired of explaining it to them. No its not an "old person" medical problem. No not all arthritis is the same. No I can't just take an advil and be fine. And no tylenol arthristis doesn't help. Its more than just the pain, its the tireness that you can feel in the bottom of your soul, its the dread of the long to-do list and ache in your joints. Its the frustration when a new joint begins to hurt and the hand full of pills and injections you have to take that don't seem to be making a difference ..... but must be since I am functioning so much better than I was last October. I tell my husband its like childbirth. I don't remember the pain, or how tired I was the first few months and so you have another child and then WHAM you remember in the very moment that you are giving birth again its too late to change your mind. RA pain is like that for me. I can't remember exactly how bad the pain was when I couldn't use my hands. I couldn't hold a pen, couldn't type on the computer, holding a book was a feat within it self. Daily activities were a chore and took 10X longer to do. I know it was bad because I remember crying trying to open the door in my garage that leads into the house and begging my 3 yr old to please try and help mommy open the door. I know it was bad. But I cant remember it the way I wish I could; if I could remember it maybe I wouldn't take my good days for granted. Maybe I would be more compliant to take my medication every day without fail and complain less about the new aches and pains. While I am greatful for the humira and the MTX that seem to be making a difference its the side effects (like brian fog, and being tired, and loss of my sex drive) and the days like to day when I hurt, ache really, but its not the 8 or 9 kinda of pain but more like a dull 3 or 4 pain. the kind that nags at you, wears you down. It keeps you from being 100% you and its almost like its laughing, mocking you for thinking you could actually live life as if you didn't have RA. That's the kicker for me. I can actually forget some days, even weeks that I have RA! I feel that good, then out of the blue I get a headache, then I feel really tired and its like running full speed into a brick wall....and everything hurts. The burning sensation in my toes last weekend was one I hadn't had in almost a year. it surprised me and was really uncomfortable. It was like a mind over matter kind of thing...I kept telling myself that I actually lived like this for 18 mos why after 20 mins am I feeling like I am going to jump out of my skin? Its the loss of the sensation that comes flooding back that gets me.