1st SharePost and it's a venting one

Basic background: Diagnosed in June '08; out on (private) long-term disability since July '08. Been adding meds from the get-go, and now I take MTX, Sulfasalazine, Plaquenil, Humira, Naproxen, Folic Acid, CoQ10 supplement, and percocet for pain. Tore two discs in lower back in January. Developed severe multi-site tendonitis 2 months ago, possiblity RA related, but also possibly a reaction to the anti-biotic Levaquin.

So, this last week I was ready to fight this damned disease. Got out a few times...I shopped a little, I got my hair cut, I went to two fitness clubs to get info on water classes, and started dreaming of getting some control of my body back. Even looking at jobs.  I've been stretching, doing some squats throughout the day, pampering myself with bubble baths and using my chair massager. Cut back on the percocet. Made plane reservations to go visit my daughter in Ft. Lauderdale in May.

But the RA, terrorist that it is, is flaring. Plain and simple. No sooner to I speak the words "I'm feeling a little better" or "I think this tendon crap is easing up" and BAM.  I probably should go see the rheumy, but honestly I am so sick of going there, and even more sick of going there and NOT being better. All my mindgames...I mean 'coping skills'...seem stupid and hopeless in the face of this damn disease. If I look at it objectively, I realize I've broken my 'rule' of listening to my body. I have been trying to get my body (RA) to listen to ME. That's a big fat fail, fo sho. I'm yearning for prednisone, which is an awful medicine in my book; I losing my resolve to stay away from it.

I'm having crying fits when I take my meds. WTH is that?! It's just hard to stay medically compliant when I am on sooo many meds and still feel like I've been put through a meat grinder. I'm doing it; and today--oh joy---I get to inject Humira.

I have had better days, not so much pain-wise, but coping-wise. It just seems to be crashing down around me. There is a big divide between what I know in my head and what I am feeling. I know it will get better; I know this is a troublesome disease that requires assault, take no prisoners, and patience. But I FEEL discouraged and out-of-control. I'm weary of being sick.

So, I'm posting my 1st share post, humbly. There is so much more to me than this. But this is my NOW.