Angry Daughter Being Punished

   This is my first post, and I am a 25 year old living in Eugene Oregon. Ten years ago my mother was diagnosed with Auto-Immune Hepatitis, Rheumatoid Arthritis as well as having liver disease. It has just progessively gotten worse for her and how she manages her pain so much so that she struggles with severe depression, paranoia, and with all the medicine she takes she is barely surving because of her high prescription costs. This has severely put a major strain on our relationship.

   A few years ago I started having anxiety at night and couldn't sleep because I was so afraid I was going to be like her as I got older. Well, about a year ago it became harder and harder to get up and moving in the mornings and I would walk with a limp every morning until about 10 a.m. I thought surely, this is all in my head. There is no way that I am going to be like her. It's all in my head that I hurt so bad every morning. Soon after that my fingers began swelling and it would be hard to hold a pen or bend my fingers. Then my ankles and feet were randomly swelling for no reason and it was now hard to walk at all. I thought this is a joke. I am becoming the woman I have tried so hard not to be. How can this be happening? I put off going to the Dr. because I hate going to the Dr. I hate taking pills now because I saw what it did to my mom. So after the pleading from a friend, I finally went.

   My primary physician is not the most sympathetic but I told him how I have been feeling and he said it was due to my weight. I asked him for a blood test anyway to check for RA. He was very reluctant but ordered the test anyway. The nurse called me later that day to tell me that it came back positive. I instantly began to cry. I asked her what my RA factor was and she said typically the number should be below 20, and that mine came back over 1900. Seriously? Are you kidding me?? They referred me to a Rheumatologist who just happened to be the same one who treats my mom. Well, due to that factor im pretty sure thats why they didn't want to see me. My primary then wanted another blood test done to re-test that RA factor because it was so outrageous, which this one came back also, over 1900. I was then referred to another rheumatologist who made me an appt that same day. She ordered another RA factor test and informed me that my last two tests couldn't be right so she wanted her own test done and also let me know that the blood work I had done was also tested for lupus which those came positive as well. Geez. So four more blood tests later my RA factor was still, over 1900 but the Lupus came back negative. YAY for good news right? 

    I just started taking Plaquenil on January 1st, 2009. I'm not feeling any better yet, but I guess that can take weeks to months. Yippee!! I'm concerned for my eye sight now, which I still need to have checked.

    I'm so mad that I have this, I know it could be much worse and I could have something life threatening but of all things, I get what my mother has? Now she thinks we are kindred spirits or something lame like that. I'm still very angry and feel like I'm being punished because I DIDN'T want to have this so bad, that I got it. When I look in the mirror, all I see is her, when I look down at my hands and feet, all I see is her. I'm so frustrated. I have several friends all who are "trying" to be supportive but they all have their own lives and their own battles as well. I have one friend who is just WOW. I love her. If it wasn't for her I'm positive I would be way more bitter than this.