She wants to walk away

By C Sunday, February 01, 2009

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I need some help. I have a girlfriend who was diagnosed with chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis at the age of 25. From the moment we began seeing each other she informed me about her illness. I don't know if she was worried I wouldn't want to continue seeing her or not, but I told her that I wasn't going to walk away from her.

Fast forwarding a few months, I will tell you that she has an extremely busy life. She is a single mother in her mid twenties raising her young son. She has a big time job and still manages to teach part time. So her schedule is often busy, but on top of her schedule she has been having a flare for the past few weeks and her pain has pretty much been unbearable. Last Saturday she called me in the morning as she was on her way to do an intake for a pain management clinic (and the converstation was fine). On Wednesday, I sen't her an email (because she and I were at work) stating that when ever she wanted we could do just chill and do take out from her favorite restaurant and watch some movies. She responded to the email telling me that I was "amazing", but after that it got weird. Ever since then I had been trying to contact her (calling, texting, emailing) but she wouldn't respond.

She didn't respond until yesterday (Saturday) when I got an email from her stating that because she cannot foresee and end to this any time soon and because she feels guilty and awful that she cannot reciprocate her feelings to me like she truly wants, and that she is going to walk away from our relationship while she still can. I don't want her to walk away because she feels guilty about not being able to give to me the way she wants. She said she feels bad because I do these nice gestures and she can't return them like she wants to. I just want her as she is; I understand her lack of availability on occasions due to fatigue, pain and just daily life. I pleaded with her to not walk away. How can I get her to not feel guilty about all of this??? It's not her fault!

From the moment she told me about her illness I went online and did tons of research. I wanted to know as much as possible about what she was going through (the pain, the emotional changes...everything). After that I had a better idea of what she was going through and consequently what I would be in store for...I wasn't going to walk away from her...no way! And if you knew her you'd see why. But now she's walking!!!

I think everything about this is making her feel awful, and I know that stress isn't what she needs which is most likely why she wants to walk, but I can't let her walk away.

So I don't know what I should do? I am at a loss.

Please help. I don't want to lose her.

Comments (6) | Add comment

blackknome

2/ 1/09 2:41pm

Wow you sound like a really great guy...glad to hear that your supportive of your girlfriend.

My advice would be to educate yourself as much as you can and then let her know in an e-mail that you have educated yourself and maybe tell her a few things that you've learned. With that let her know that you know what you've "signed on" for and that your ok with it. You can also suggest things like her leaving you sweet notes is a way to show you care. It doesn't have to be physical... if she knows you are sure you know what you're in for and that your in it for the long haul, then she should have no reason to feel guilty!

Best of luck to you and again congrats on being a decent man!!

Don't give up!!

angie

2/ 2/09 1:42am

I was 17 when I was correctly diganosed. I always told the person that I was dating up front about the RA in my twenty's. Yes, there were a couple that told me "I am sure you are a great person but I can not date some one that seems disabled". Talk about hitting a low spot. I always assumed that I would be single for the rest of my life. I met my husband when I was 28years old and two years later we were married. He did not care, he loved me for me, not my disease. I have flare ups and let me tell you, I do not want to talk to anyone nor see anyone. Take your time and give her some space. Be patient. It is not easy to try and maintain a normal life and have to deal with the pain. You seem to be a great guy.Best of luck to your girlfriend

Daina

2/ 2/09 7:51am

Don't give up. I met my husband when I was 23. I told him about the Arthritis (which I was diagnosed with as a young child). And he stuck around. Then I had a bad flare up and everything that happens with that. I tried to break up with him. He literally wouldn't let me. He would be at my front door when I came home from work. He'd ask me about the pain when I seemed able to talk about it. He would be quiet when I seemed like I didn't want to talk. He was just always there, so it got easier to talk to him about it. It's probably always going to be difficult for her to talk about it, it's still difficult for me, but easier. You really just don't want to admit when you're weak, so don't press the talking. Just let her know you're there, and hopefully, she'll start to understand that you mean it.

But also, you need to remember that depression also comes along with this disease sometimes (most of the time from what I understand).

Keep trying!

Naomi

2/ 2/09 9:19am

You sound like a really great guy!! I agree with everyone...you have to give her time and let her know that you've educated yourself and know what you've "signed on" for. I, too, have RA and it's hard to accept for yourself. Thinking someone else will just accept it, too, seems almost crazy. When I flare, sometimes, I still need the reassurance from my husband. It's a tough disease....for all involved. She needs to know you're there for it all. It may take awhile for her to see it, so good luck!

Best wishes for you both!!

Anna

2/ 5/09 4:57pm

First of all, all men should take example from you if they have a girlfriend/wife with RA. Just be patient. Give her some space. I'm still single at 43, but hope one day to find a man who'll love me like you do her...and as someone else said, love me for me. When you deal with this disease, you think nobody would want that burden, but like others have said, let her know you've done your research and you aren't going anywhere. She may have been hurt in the past by men that have left her because of this.....and if so, trusting another will be tough. When I find a man, I should send him to you! :)

hcastillo

2/16/09 8:49pm

Don't let her walk away. Give her the space she may need with work and being a mom and this disease. She probably thinks you are one more part of her life that she cannot handle right now. When she is in pain she is trying to simplify her life. That soinds like what she is doing. Sticking to only those things which she needs for survival. She is probably so overwhelmed and doe snot feel like she can play nice nice with any one. It sounds like she cares about you enough to want to give quality time to you. Let her get control of her pain. let her know you need nothing from her right now. That you want to be there for her and expect nothing in return. That you will never understand completely what she is going through but have tried to research as much as you can. Tell her you are armed with information and a helpful hand and pray for her heart to soften. Thanks for being one of those guys who wants to share teh good and the bad in life:)

She wants to walk away

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