Depression-Is there light out there?

By YellowRose22 Friday, May 29, 2009

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I am beginning to wonder if my thyroid isnt a main culprit in so many of my problems. Lately, i am so depressed i can't see the light of day, and to be honest I DONT REALLY CARE. I cry at the drop of a hat, or realizing that I have no PASSION for anything in life. I wonder if people with children have it better because they have a reason to live. Even though I am newly married, we have no kids and to be honest death looks so good lately. All i think about is dying and how better off everyone would be including myself. Its like I have no control over anything and just going through the motions to pay the bills is not enough to keep me around. I dont know when I lost my zest for life, but i know i have lost it, and how to get it back, i dont know how, and right now dont even care. I am just so done with everything. But i wonder if the combination of meds, and the war within my body is the blame???? If the meds are the problem or the thyroid, how do I overcome it with pure will, which i have none at this time. Sorry to be so blatent about this but i just cant get past this and talking to my husband turns into oh baby it will be alright, what can i do? My answer is NOTHING just leave me alone and let me wallow. Does anyone else get this dark and dreaded or am i just being a wimp? I think of so many things when i am depressed, and now i have stopped taking all my meds. What can I be in control of? God I am so tired of all of this already, how do you all get to the hope in this dreadful disease and when does that kick in? How do you DEAL? Well thanks for letting me vent.

Laurie

Alternative Treatment

Comments (12) | Add comment

Nan

5/30/09 7:16am

I understand alot of what you are saying, I have struggled with depression my whole life and it can more debilitating than RA. Everyone here can feel ya.

Please, muster up what ever you have and fight this. Fight the depression, Fight RA. Don't let them win!! This is your life and the control is yours. Get with your docs, get some help, there is no shame in taking back your life. Find a counselor, they are out there and it really does help. I think about that old "Santa Claus looking counselor" I used to see all the time because he taught me how to question my feelings and actions and health problems in a way that will stay with me forever. And yes I took anti-depressants off and on for years, because its ok to need a little help once in a while.

The meds we take are kinda hard sometimes and our prognosis isn't a shiny star. But you are a shiny star and a warrior.

The people around you love and care about you immensely, and you have a family here to talk to and vent to whenever you need.

Please get some help, do it for your hubby and your family but most of all do it for you.

Read some of the posts here, listen to the struggles, you can't do it without a tear or two falling. Get some strenghth from your friends here, we're all feeling ya sugar and I for one care. We'll help pick you up

Nan

YellowRose22

5/30/09 12:36pm

Thank you Nan, Today is much better, talking and venting is something I needed. I know this is a safe place and people understand. No matter how dark the post is I know others have or will feel the same. It felt good to get it off my chest. I did research on the MTX here on the site and found that it causes depression and fatigue. I called my Rhuemy and he took me off of it. Didnt offer anything else in its place and im ok with that. I think I need to deal with the RA right now and not all the side effects of the meds too. Its just too much right now. I appreciate your concern and will be talking to my dr. about some anti depressants. This is just too much all at one time and I do need help right now. I appreciate all the prayers and support this site offers. I wouldnt get through most days without it.

Laurie

c21tamit

5/30/09 11:48am

Laurie,

Please seek immediate mental help. Yes I get to feel that way. I do scare myself & that's usually when I know that I need to reach out to someone else. This disease (and many like it) rob us of so much, Don't ledt it take your life away too. Couselors may be able to help. Your doctor needs to know what is happening because this may also be a side effect of one or more of the medications that you are on. PLEASE, call the doctors right away. If they're not there leave a message with the service. Explain that it is important. Reach out for help.

YellowRose22

5/30/09 12:39pm

Thank you for the advice. After researching on this site yesterday and finding out that MTX could be the culpit as well i call my Rheumy. I am going to a new rheumy in july but had to call the old one in the mean time. He took me off MTX now i just dont know how long i am suppose to keep up the folic acid. SO much all at once, it just got tio me. Give me one problem at a time and I can manage, all this at once and its just too much. Thank you to this community of fighters and supporters I know I have a safe place and people who understand. It really is the difference for me!!!!

Laurie

c21tamit

5/30/09 1:20pm

Laurie,

You're right that this is a safe place for us. I know I've been there. Relax. Yes this is overwhelming. and scary. Talk to everyone you need to & then some. It does help. Remember that the drugs have built up in your system so it may feel like a nasty roller coaster for a little while. Remember that you can handle what you're given. Sometimes it does feel like too much but just take it a little at a time. You are the most important thing to take care of today. Talk to your husband. He loves you and is just as powerless about all of this as you feel. Explain to him that you don't need him to solve the problem, (he probably feels worse than you because he can't fix it)just listen. That will take care of alot. You can e-mail me privately if you need. My e-mail is c21tamit@hotmail.com.

Tami

Lene Andersen, Health Guide

6/ 1/09 3:00pm

I'm so glad you got off the methotrexate - although depression is normal when you have first been diagnosed with a chronic illness, the depth of your depression sounded organic in nature. Just to be sure, you might want to ask your family doctor for some blood tests, to check things like thyroid, etc. And while you're there, ask for some antidepressants - when you're under stress for a long time (like when you're learning to cope with a new reality), it actually changes your brain chemistry, interfering with your ability to uptake serotonin and that can cause depression.

That said, I would also highly recommend counseling, especially cognitive therapy. Over my 40 years of living with this disease, I've seen several counselors, but the one that helped the most, the one who helped me change my thinking about myself and the disease and give me tools that I still use to cope was the psychiatrist specializing in cognitive therapy.

One of the biggest issues in learning to live well with this disease is trying to find control of your life, which isn't easy, considering that RA is hard to control. Medication is key, so I hope you and your new rheumatologist can find some meds that can help suppress your symptoms - nothing depresses you more than being in pain. I can highly recommend a book called The First Year with Rheumatoid Arthritis - it's a fantastic book that covers all aspects of life with this disease and is very helpful, both for people who have just been diagnosed, but also for those of us who've lived with it for longer. You can read more about this book and an interview with its author here.

And lastly, I hope you continue to use this community the way you did with the SharePost. Sharing how you really feel with people who know what that is like without having to mask the depth of despair can be incredibly healing. We are here for you.

YellowRose22

6/ 1/09 3:27pm

Thank you Lene,

I am so grateful for this site. It is a real blessing, and being able to share even the dark times is so helpful. Thank you to all that listen and respond, it really does make a difference even if i dont respond back right away. Im going to try no meds at this time as the side effects are too much. I am going to look into an anti depressant, something for a while to aid me through the coping process. I am also going to ask about a counsleor. Talking can help , this i know all to well. Thank you and God Bless

laurie

Lene Andersen, Health Guide

6/ 1/09 7:06pm

Just one quick thing... I know that your experience with methotrexate scared you and we've all been there, when the medication gives a bad reaction that doesn't work. It makes you want to stay off medication. Don't close the door completely - depending on how active your RA is, not taking medication can cause permanent damage that will affect your ability levels in the long run. I've tried many medications in my life with this disease, some have worked better than others and the Biologics were my miracle drug. They gave me my life back, with very manageable side effects. I'm not saying you should make up your mind now, just don't close the door.

YellowRose22

6/ 2/09 11:01am

Thanks Lene,

I am looking at alternative right now, but if the RA gets too bad, who knows what will happen. I am not closing the door completely, just not chosing that door as an option right now. Thank you so much for caring.

Laurie

bon410

6/ 2/09 9:38am

Laurie, When I read your post this morning I was really concerned. I prayed I could say something that would help. I know the Methotrexate is hard on your system and it is good to stop taking it, but you need to take something for the RA. As for thyroid I know about how depressed and nervous you can become when it is low. My mom and daughters and I all have low thyroid. My mom would become hostile verbally and depressed when she wasn't getting enough thyroid. I think she lost a lot of friends with her attitude. When the doctors determined she needed natural thyroid and not synthetic which didn't work, she became normal, got back her energy and things went well till another doctor gave her synthetic thyroid a few years later and it started all over. I don't know why docs insist that natural thyroid doesn't work except it doesn't bring in big bucks like the synthetic. I think there is a connection between thyroid and RA. The immune system can damage the thyroid gland and also attacks the healthy parts of our bodies which is RA. Mine all came together after the birth of my first baby. So proper meds can make all the difference. Please take care of yourself and know you are loved by your husband and family. They need you to be ok and we need for you to be ok too. Bon

YellowRose22

6/ 2/09 10:55am

Thanks Bon,

It sure helps to hear about everyone elses storys and experience. I am so open to what ever is going one. With so much going wrong, who knows what really is going on and I hope to find a Dr. that will look at it that way. Those are few and far between. Where is Dr. House when you need him? LOL!!!! I am going to speak to my new rheumy about all that has transpired and I hope he gives a damn...

I am feeling better, and that helps!

Thank you

Laurie

bon410

6/ 2/09 11:24am

Hi Lourie, I am so glad you are feeling better. Remember when you are down you will feel better later on. It feels like it will always be bad but we have our ups and downs. A good doc makes a world of difference. I am waiting to see a new Rheumy too. This town doesn't have one and I filled out a lot of medical history for one in a nearby town 2 months ago. Am still waiting. Let's hope we both get one who cares. Hang in there and know you aren't alone. Bon

Depression-Is there light out there?

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