A Beginners Guide to RA: Love & the Horizontal Tango

One of my favourite frog stories -- as in, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince" -- was the man who said he didn't want to date me because he wanted an equal partner. As I'd managed to have a number of equal relationships with family, friends and past lovers despite my disability, I inquired what prevented me from taking on that role. To which he muttered something about wanting a woman who could help paint the house. And that was the moment I realized that someone not being able to "handle" my RA was entirely about them and not me. Quite a liberating moment.

"Let your freak flag fly, and if someone doesn't get you, move on."
- Drew Barrymore

Whether you're single or part of a couple when you receive your diagnosis, you may wonder how it will affect your romantic life. When do you tell? How will your partner or potential lover react to the disease? How will it affect your sex life?

If you're single and you've met someone interesting, the timing of "coming out" about having a chronic illness can be a little delicate. Keep in mind that your RA is part of what you are, not who you are and therefore, perhaps not relevant in the initial few conversations. Yet, the sad truth is not everyone is going to be able to adapt, so it's a good idea to discuss it before you get attached to the person. When you feel the time is right, I recommend a quiet conversation with relatively few details, yet indicate that you are willing to answer questions. Be yourself -- pretending your RA just involves "minor arthritis pain" is too exhausting in the long run. Finding love isn't easy, even if you don't have a chronic illness, but the good thing about someone running screaming for the hills is that you know right away they wouldn't make a good partner for you. And there's every chance that you'll meet someone who will look at you and see a goddess. They're worth waiting for.

When one of the partners in a relationship has a chronic condition, it adds extra stress and makes it essential that the two of you communicate well. On days where the pain and fatigue takes all the coping skills you have, leaving you unable to be as loving as you would like -- OK, at times as irritable as a cat trapped in a room full of toddlers -- it's important that your partner understands you may need a hug or some space until you've regained your equilibrium. It's equally important for you to let your partner know that you're having a bad day so the situation doesn't disintegrate into hurt feelings or a fight. If you find the two of you are having trouble reaching each other because the RA is in the way, counseling can help you nurture the relationship so you can face the stresses of life, including your disease, as partners.

Sex is 90% mental
- unknown

When you're on day 13 of feeling like crap, the knuckles of your hands are barely visible through the swelling and you're knocked out on the couch because it's the day after your medication, it's hard to feel sexy. You may even start to wonder how your lover can be attracted to you. But our brains are the biggest erogenous zone we have and once you pass your mid-20s or so, being a babe or a hunk has more to do with who you are inside.