Hi I am 37 yr old F mother of 2 wonderful boys, 15 and 10. I have had RA for almost 9 yrs now. Lots of different meds later and finally on humira and arava which seem to be working well for the most part. My husband has recently been diaognoised with ADD and bipolar, after being hospitalized due to attempted suicide. That was very hard seeing him on a vent and in hospital for over 3 weeks. We have been together for almost 23 yrs and married 16 this June. Things have changed between us alot now and I am trying to be there for him, but it is hard and stressful on me when as we all know when we get stressed we start to flair. He doesn't seem to understand that anymore and I am trying not to complain to him because I know he is going through alot. He is still off work and off to June 30. I just don't know how much longer my body can with stand living my life going through his issues also. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, because I am not and put everyone else ahead of my own needs. It just seems the older I get the harder that seems to be possible. Anyway thanks for reading I know this really doesn't fit into this site, but it's my life living with RA.
Wishing for painfree days for everyone.
Thanks,
Jen
Hey Jen,
Wow -- you've definitly got a full basket right now. I know it's tough dealing with all that stress.
When I flare (or go through any kind of crisis, really) I tend to get tunnel vision, and things not directly in front of me get edited out of my thoughts. I've tried to explain this to non-RA'ers as a "tightening" of my world until the only things I'm really aware of are my pain, my RA, and how much it has impacted my life. I miss things. I miss signals from people I'd otherwise catch. I kind of forget that there are people out there who care what I'm going through and I forget to reach out to them and let them help me. I guess, in a way, I shrink in on myself and exclude everything else.
I'm willing to bet that your husband is going through something very similar to a flare and is reacting in much the same way as we all do to flares. I don't know if this helps or not (sure hope it does some how) but, I think that deep down, he still knows and understands everything about your disease that he knew before, but right now, he might not have enough bandwidth to keep that knowledge and understanding at the front of his mind. He's probably very confused about everything. He probably just wants to be the sole person with needs that are being cared for -- even if he doesn't know this consiously. He's healing, he's fighting his way back from the brink, he's recovering from crisis, he's flaring.
The best thing you can do for him right now is to take care of yourself and support him as best you can (in that order of priority). Let go of what you can let go of in terms of stress and try to roll with it (easy to say, I know...).
Thanks for the words of wisdom! They do make much sense. I never really looked at it that was, that he was so called going through a flare himself. It's just hard, because when I am havin pain for a flare, I as well have to take care of the family as well. Guess Im just whinning lol. Anyway I do appricate the words and you taking the time to read and reply to my venting. He was suspose to be off to June 30, and just got a letter today from the insurance co with finally a check, saying they are only paying him to the 16th of this month! So now he has to try and get his doc to rewrite the orders to go back to work earlier which I don't think he is really stable to go back yet. But anyway thanks again!
Wishing you a pain free day!
Jen
Hey Jen,
It's not whining! Not at all -- venting, maybe, but getting the load of your shoulders for sure. I'm just a crazy Scandinavian who keeps the world on my shoulders, but I do know we all need a place to let things loose and to throw things out to sympathetic ears.
I can't imagine what I'd do if my wife (who is the foundation on which my entire support system rests) were somehow sidelined. I know it would be very hard, though, and can only offer you my encouragement and best wishes!
You sound like a very strong lady -- I think you've got this -- but maybe your 15 year old is old enough to help you out. My son is only six, but he is pretty amazing when he finds out I'm in pain or need help. Your sons may not know how to help you, but I bet some straight talk from Mom could set them on the path.
And, remember, even when this place is quiet, people who understand are here and listening.
You said " shrink in on myself and exclude everything else" it's the first time I've seen that in print -- and it is exactly what I do. Doesn't help anyone, but I haven't learned yet how NOT to do this. Any clues?
I wish I had the answer. I don't, but I'm practicing :) I catch myself doing it sometimes, and then I find the last person that I was "shrunken" with and talk to them. Even so, I still realize, sometimes weeks after I've recovered, that I was "pinhole sized" for weeks at a time.
I've gotten better about pain and asking for help on the RA side. Now, however, when I'm sick, or something like that, I'm still going pinhole...