Lessons from Grandma's House

It's said that it's better to give than to receive. Well, I suppose it all depends on what is being given out, right? However when it comes to "help", I don't know if it's better to give or not but it's definitely EASIER!

After my week at home with the kids, I got a call from my 86 year old Gma from the hospital. Since my mother was an only child and passed away at 56, caretaking of Gma falls squarely in the lap of my brother and me. Now at first it was really hard to figure out what to do. My initial impulse is that I needed to hop on a plane to Iowa to keep an eye on her and to determine what if anything needs to be done. Problem was, every time I would talk to Gma she was really "just fine" and this was all just so much ado about nothing. Any time she was asked, she was "going to be sent home tomorrow." Well after several days of this and some decidedly confusing self reports on her medical status.....I hopped on a plane.

My week in Ames was grueling to say the least; physically to be sure, but even more so from an emotional standpoint. Gma would alternately be terrified and in tears and then be full of bluster about how she was just fine and was sure as hell not going to any nursing home. Some of things she did were infuriating! Doctors would come in to explain in depth, she would nod and smile and when asked if she had questions, she'd say... "nope!" As soon as her room door would swing shut she'd turn to me in tears and say, "now what are they going to do?" I also spent a great deal of time trying to set up home support such as visiting nurses, PT, and transport to future appointments, only to have her send the professionals I'd requested to meet with away!! I knew to my core she needed help. She however was stuck in a quandary, how to accept the help she so dearly needed, truthfully wanted, and later appreciated, while at the same time not giving the impression she was unable to care for herself!

In the end I had to accept this brand of caretaking has similarities to parenting. Sometimes doing the "right thing" entails accepting a certain amount of contempt. This was very hard and I'm not sure she isn't still more than moderately pissed. I DO know that once I accepted this cold fact, she benefitted greatly from the support I was able to put in place. Many times she told me "I don't know what I would have done!" but I've not yet received an apology, nor do I expect one or really need one for that matter. Ok, it would be kinda nice. : )

So, what does all of this have to do with the price of RA in China? Well here's the thing. Boy oh boy aren't all of us in some way the Gma in this story? Especially I think for us newbies. How on earth do we go from being the caretakers in our world to accepting our limitations and our need for support? I'm comfortable being the "giver". Been there, done that. Most of the time it even feels good to be the giver, or at least somewhat gratifying! Well ok, it's not like I was having oodles of fun with Gma, but MAN! I know she was having way less fun than me! It is a TOUGH transition and no mistake. Sadly, like Gma, I haven't always been so pleasant about being on the receiving end either!