Hi all. I'm not dead. Yet. I had been feeling guilty for a while for dropping off the face of the earth....or at least this site. Then I got over it. But then, well, it came back. Totally weird too, cuz I don't belong to any of the major faith traditions that stereotypically wallow in guilt. I hope the protestants don't find out and banish me or anything...yikes! I'm not even sure what that would look like but...well, It'd be a shame to find out. I'm sure it would involve pitch forks and torches somehow.
Anyway, truth is, I've just not felt I've had anything of all that much interest to share. I KNOW!! At a loss for words!! ME! I mean sure I've had the typical "new" but yet still kinda "old" discoveries that go something like this;"Huh, my knee stinkin' hurts. Oh wait, now it doesn't." and the perennial "Dang people say stupid things!" But all the same, this is kind of ceasing to be a source of comment for me. Don't get me wrong, if at any point all my hair completely falls out or my wrist breaks clean off....oh I WILL have something to say about that! I will come running back so quick it just might snap my head off my neck too! I just think, oh I don't know, maybe my threshold is getting higher?!
But now I'm kinda wondering if this feeling isn't an indication of something new in this whole "Oh my God I have RA!!!" process. Ja' know? I'm coming to terms with my new "normal". Yup, I have less energy than I used to and I think that is here to stay. I also get bizarro aches and pains that seem to pop up out of nowhere, but then disappear again just as mysteriously. Thankfully. I think I'm just getting over being perpetually pissed off about it. It still scares me a bit, I'd be a big fat liar to suggest otherwise. But still, I'm doing everything I can and why borrow trouble? All the worry in the world isn't going to change anything. I'm just thinking I could spend a WHOLE lot of time and energy worrying about what the hell this RA crap is going to do to me, and in the end discover it was failing to look both ways in the crosswalk that eventually kills me.
It just is what it is right now. I think if the "me" from several months back saw this post, I'd wonder if I was depressed. I'm not! I'd also be thinking that maybe I'd somehow given in. Hmmmm....yeah. I really don't think so. It still sucks. Don't like it. Stupid people still irritate me. I am just finding that all my other day to day dramas are pushing the "RA stuff" further down the list of "stuff my brain has room for".
Now the only reason I even felt compelled to share these revelations was this: I used to wonder if there would ever come a day when RA wouldn't be looming so large in my head! My God! It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning and the last when I went to bed. It was HUGE and TERRIFYING and EXHAUSTING!! Heck, it very well may be that way again too, but right now it's managable. I wanted to share that, in case there are others wondering about that too. I felt like Mondo RA Woman for a while. Now, I don't now. I'm at peace with it...I guess. At least for now. Maybe it's the calm before the storm too, but I'm gonna take it for what it is. Being ok with it is well....ok. Yup, that's it. That's what I got today.
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hi Amy
glad to see you finally posted! i was wondering what happened to you! i can totally relate to you. even though it's been 5 months now (wow) since i was Dx, I've come to terms with this RA stuff. I, too, used to dwell on it, 24-7. i would lie awake at night (only because i hurt too bad to sleep) and wonder what was gonna hurt the next day, and how bad was it going to be? since my last drug combo is now working, RA is no longer on the forefront of my thoughts. I remember thinking the first day i didn't think about RA, and it was midday and a light bulb came on, "hey, i didn't think about RA yet" .....it was then i realized i had made peace with my illness (wow, this is the first time i've even taken ownership of 'illness'). Of course the prednisone and plaquenil were instrumental in that because i wasn't in the horrible pain anymore. i still have aches and pains now and again, but i'm back to doing almost everything, most importantly, riding my motorcycle without pain! my husband still doesn't want to hear about anything to do with RA (whether it be victories or not). if a commercial comes on TV for an RA drug, he changes the channel, (but i think to myself, "that's ok, it's MY problem,honey, not yours.") and I'm ok with it. I still hear the ''i have pain in my left finger every morning" from my dear coworker, but i'm ok with it. i'm no longer angry or scared as I was in the beginning, and i can jump out of bed now without wincing in pain. i can plan my life now 2 wks in advance because i know i probably won't hurt. for that, i'm grateful. Yup, I've got RA...and you know what? I've accepted it and i'm gonna doing ok. cheers! Desiree
Hey! God bless Des! It really means alot coming from you. I think in terms of "venom" we are probably fairly well matched! Hahahaha!! I'm glad you are doing so much better and of course the main thing I was pleased to hear; you are back to being a biker mamma! I'm sure we will both continue to have our bouts with this stupid disease, but it's also nice to know there can be periods of peace mixed in. So with that, I offer a heart felt, "Peace out my Sista'!"