Living with a fixer......

Perfect post, gal! Been there, doing/done that!! It may not be comfortable, but these are the kinds of discussions my fixer and I have had to have. I think fixers...ok, guys!...have a harder time with the whole 'no control' than I do. I absolutely have complete confidence in the ability of RA to 'be the boss'!!

 

We have a great working relationship with RA right now...my husband gets his joy from thinking of things to make my life easier, and I look up at him and bat my eyelashes and assure him that he is the Master of Creative Living in my eyes! It has taken time for him, but he sees how RA can muscle its way in anytime it wants to. His answer is to, by golly, find a way to say "HA! You might hurt her, but boy, do I know how to make her feel better!" Even when his ideas are less than perfect, I tend to "ooh" and "aah" anyway!

 

 

I can understand where youre coming from.  My husband doesn't even respond anymore when I say I don't feel well.  When I asked him why he "Well unless there is something I can do to fix it whats the point of talking about it."  Unfortunately they are just as frustruated as we.  They are watching us suffer quietly or loudly and not being able to make the pain go away or even comfort us because touch is too painful some moments. We just don't talk about it anymore.  I have my mother and sister to be support system.  If however there is something serious he will listen but not comment.  It's hard but I don't want to make everyone else suffer along with me.

Hi Ladies, I'm reading your comments and thinking about my situation. My husband almost ignores my pain and limitations. This weekend My husband, myself and my son are all sick with cold/flu and both husband and son are so sick they are unable to do anything (that's what they say) to help me. Don't forget that I'm sick too, plus have my RA related pain. But, guess whose fixing dinner, doing dishes, laundry etc? My husband isn't even a "fixer". Sometimes, I feel like he tries to be sicker so that he can get attention. I don't know, it's very frustrating. I think that if you have husbands that accept your disease, understand and care enough to want to help you, then you are blessed!

We had such a similar situation today!  My hubby is sooo confused, he either wants to hand me a wheelchair or a hoe.  He's not dealing well w/ the fact thay I don't know how I'm gonna feel.  It's a day by day thing.  Some days I may want to go bike riding, other days, I'm on the couch and half crippled.  I had a 4-week flare in Nov, felt good for a while, then am in the second week of a flare now.   

 

 

He dosn't want to greet me everyday with "What are you capable of, today?"  But he dosn't want to automatically count me out, either.

 

 

I just said, we're gonna have to communicate through this.  That's the only way.  Neither of us can see the future.  Only I know how I'm feeling.

 

 

He really hates that we can't nail this thing down.

That was absolutely brilliant. Men in general aren't really good at just listening to the event, somehow they always want to fix it - is a general complaint I hear from all my girlfriends, whether they have a chronic disease or not.

 

I really like the way you talk about control and how it's important not to get sucked into thinking you're responsible when things are good, because that will make you feel like you have control over things when they go bad. I'm still working on learning that - and did I mention I've had this disease for 42 years? There is always part of me that goes "no, no! I just need to find the right trick or think about it really hard and the powers of my mind will make the inflammation go down!". Delusions of grandeur, I tell ya...

 

p.s. hope things get better soon.  Maybe it's spring?  Spring and fall are terrible for this disease.

 

I also recently went through a flare up after a quite long period of feeling pretty good.  My wife seen me "gimping" around, having problems picking up the boys, going to bed early and feeling crappy and thought it would be a good idea to bring up, "Hon, you are sure tired a lot.  Are you taking your medicine?"  I felt like I was hit by a load of bricks.  I work 55 hours of week, drive 2 hours a day, volunteer at our Church, work out a couple of times a week, help raise a family, do all the cooking, do all the yard work/snow shoveling, house maintenance, help clean the house, do dishes, and help clean up the messes my two little monsters (19 month and 4yr old boys) create like violent F-5 tornadoes, through the house.  I thought, tell me most men that DON'T have RA, that do that in a typical work week.  I know that I use to do more (and some people do a lot more) but I do try.

 

She tries to understand that I have RA but really has no tolerance for me not keeping up my end of the bargain with living life.  I guess as a man that I am suppose to not show signs of being weak.  I think, she thinks, I have to act like John Wayne with terminal cancer, guns a blazing and tough as nails.  I think I do a good job with dealing with what I have and its limitations.  I go to the doctor/rheumy when I know my flare ups are out of my control.  I take my medicines, go to physical therapy and stay active when I can.  I try and eat right but like anyone I am not perfect. 

 

Bottom line is I know this can be frustrating for all of us.  My wife married a man that loved playing sports, fishing, hunting, camping and staying active.  She is ending up with a guy that goes to bed at 8:00 after the kids go to bed.  I still do most of those things but a lot different than what I use to do them.  I know she hates it when I am hurting and she can't help me.

 

Amy, it is good to read a post from you and I hope my post will add to your feeling that you are not alone and I understand what you are talking about.       

hi Amy,

glad you're back!  missed ya!

Desiree

hi - I can really relate to all of the above!  I have a terrific husband who loves to cook, can do stuff around the house, and in general (hear the little whine) puts me to shame!  He does like to fix things (and mostly is very good at it!).  He is very supportive of me, (which puts me more to shame) and I don't know what I'd do without him. 

     All of this didn't happen overnight.  It took us the first 10 years of marriage for me to learn to say what was wrong without him feeling like he had to fix it.  I needed to be able to say what was bothering me gently, and he needed to know that I needed the listening ear, even if he couldn't help.  And still, it's a constant learning process.  For me, the most difficult thing is:  (as scripture says: "Avoid anger - leave rage alone." I am good at raging when I'm not feeling well.  But the rage itself takes a toll, can be physically exhausting and emotionally overwhelming.  Yet I still unconsciously look for openings to vent, and sometimes don't realize until too late, that I got "hooked', my buttons were pushed.  Over the years I've (mostly) learned to lighten up and at least attempt the adult conversation before losing my temper.  Mostly I succeed, but with RA, seems like I had to start all over again and learn to pay attention to my moods, try and figure out why things happen.  I don't know about all of you, but the medicine can affect my ability to sort things out as well, which is frustrating.