So had one of those misunderstandings with the husband that left us both feeling crappy. Oh and yeah.....HI EVERYONE! HEEE HEEEEE! It started out as a "glass half full/half empty" type of issue. I've had a pretty long stint of feeling pretty dang good! I know, yeay me! Well a few days back I started to experience a return of "the tired" followed soon there after with sore feet and a kink in my knee. So I was kinda gimping around a bit.
It had been a long day, we'd gotten the kids tucked in and he looks at me, "So, how you been doing?" (See, not a bad start, right?) I said, "Well....you know. *sheepish smile*" He says, "Yeah, I know. It just seems like all of a sudden you're back to where you were." I just smiled and said, "Yeah I know. I've had a pretty good streak for a while, huh? Honestly I feel pretty good about that." I went on to explain that this is just how it's going to be. This is after all how the whole RA thing works. .....long pause. "Well" he says, "I'm just wondering what's going on? Are you doing anything differently? How are you doing on your meds?"
Now I wasn't bugged or anything but I wanted to caution him to be careful. I told him that I was in the midst of feeling good about how well I'd been doing. I didn't really want to go into another bout of "Holy crap I have a debilitating and painful disease!" Been there done that.... you can go round and round with that but you end up right in the same damn spot where you began. Done with that, ....at least for the moment. I told him I wanted to be sure he understands when I return to feeling crappy, the first line of questions shouldn't veer toward "What did you do/what didn't you do". I said when he does, it implies that I have WAAAAY more control over this disease than I actually do. It just isn't that easy.
My logic was this: As much as I would love to take the credit for when I feel good...you know "WOW AMY! You must really be taking good care of yourself!" I don't want that cuz then what's the flip side when you are walking down the street like some modified Quasimoto? Yeaaahhh....control is an illusion. I don't like it, but there it is. I've had times of feeling crappy and doing all the things I'm sposed to do - and times of eating garbage and staying up late where I felt FABULOUS! I still try to do the best I can and make all the lifestyle changes I can manage, but I'm not going to be able to handle feeling like I somehow messed something up if/when the bottom falls out. Ja know?
Well the result of expressing this was making him feel like he has to walk on egg shells. He was just trying to be supportive and let me know that he notices when I'm gimpy and he doesn't like it. So we both sat there in silence for a bit and felt bad until we decided to talk it out a bit more. From his perspective, he's a fixer and it just stinks to be confronted with something you can't fix. He also doesn't want to feel like he'll get pounced on for saying the wrong thing with the wrong tone to the limpy chick.
Perfect post, gal! Been there, doing/done that!! It may not be comfortable, but these are the kinds of discussions my fixer and I have had to have. I think fixers...ok, guys!...have a harder time with the whole 'no control' than I do. I absolutely have complete confidence in the ability of RA to 'be the boss'!!
We have a great working relationship with RA right now...my husband gets his joy from thinking of things to make my life easier, and I look up at him and bat my eyelashes and assure him that he is the Master of Creative Living in my eyes! It has taken time for him, but he sees how RA can muscle its way in anytime it wants to. His answer is to, by golly, find a way to say "HA! You might hurt her, but boy, do I know how to make her feel better!" Even when his ideas are less than perfect, I tend to "ooh" and "aah" anyway!
LOVE IT!! That really is a good solution. I'm all for my man seeking ways to make my life easier! Now....if only I can find a way to make him think that this solution was HIS idea! Then we'll be COOKIN'! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It always kind of takes me aback when I get those reminders that I'm not the only one that has to maneuver around the whole RA concept. Sometimes I get frustrated cuz folks around me haven't necessarily turned a page just because I have. It's kind of funny when you think about it; even though it's my disease it STILL isn't all about me! Waaaaaah! Ah well, beats the heck out of dealing with it alone, right?
Thanks for the response, darlin'! It made me smile!