I have been reading all the share posts and learning from many of you over the last few months. It is good to not feel so all alone in this, and tonight I felt it was time to share my own feelings. Having a REALLY tough night tonight, after a really tough day. I would say I am in a rough flare...but being I have been in the flare since last October, not sure it qualifies as anything new. My hands and feet are really rough tonight, my elbows are surprisingly staying out of the fray.....sure they will be heard from in the morning. Been at my mom's, visiting for Easter, and overdoing it obviously........I am SO sick of overdoing it. My feet are swollen, my wrists and fingers are swollen........the Pred has failed me. I cannot sleep. But......instead of laying there wondering what I ever did to deserve this, I got up and fired up the laptop to look at the questions and shareposts on this site. This RA is NOT going to win.....yes, It has me in a tight grip tonight, but I refuse to give in, you should see me flinching and typing, but I AM typing....Reading this site gives me hope and the insight that I am NOT alone. I have read of people that are worse off than me, people that are as scared as I am, people that are as confused as I am. I have also read some great answers from people like Lene and Tessi that may not even know they are helping people like me through this.
My wife has been nothing but supportive of me..but I still feel like an utter failure to her now. I have taken care of her for nearly 18 yrs. I now I feel like I cannot. I have been off work for 2 weeks now thanks to my RA doc. I used to work 75 hours a week with my commute....I didn't bitch to them, I was happy to have a job, even though it was killing me to do it. Today I got a call from the Senior VP of HR at my company....she didn't want to know if I was okay....she called to tell me not to come back unless I was 100%. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT? I don't even remember what the hell 100% feels like! Guess that is part of the depression that hits us newbies....you just want to feel good, you don't LOOK like you don't feel good, you just can't seem to make anyone understand that you feel like you were dragged behind a dump truck for a few miles. I can't make my company understand, I am just another number to them. I am thankfull my wife understands, and several of my family members do as well thank to this site.
Keep up the good work, and keep taking care of each other. I thank God each and every day for helping me find this site.
Published On: April 14, 2009