What's left for me?
My rheumatologist once told me that he would not give me anything other than Lortabs for pain relief because his fear was that I would go through pain meds too quickly and that there would be nothing left for me later on in life. I was upset by this and I was never quite sure what he meant.
Today I am in pain. I am in so much pain that I am panicking. My fingers are swollen and I can barely bend or straighten them. My feet hurt so bad that I have to strategically place them every time I try to walk so that I don't scream in pain. I can't dress myself, my shoulders are very painful and I can't raise them over my head, and my knees hurt which makes it difficult to bend them to put on pants. My rheumatologist says I have RA in every joint that RA can affect. I even learned that I have RA in my chest bone after a short stay at the hospital for chest pain.
So here I am in so much pain and I am panicing. Right now I take 60mg of morphine daily with one Lortab every 4 hours for breakthrough pain, and let me tell you the pain has broken through with a vengeance. So do I suffer in pain until the doctors think it's time to try something different, or do I break down and ask the doctor for help? I wonder how I will make it through the day. I wonder what it is that will keep me going?
So what's left for me?
Hope. It's all I have left in my life. I hope that one day I find a medication that works. I hope that one day my kids get their mom back, and that my husband gets his wife back. I hope for one day without pain, then maybe two. And while the pain constantly breaks down my hope, I have to remind myself how important it is to have hope when you have RA. Hope gives me a reason to live my life with the pain that RA brings. Hope is my reason for living well with Rheumatoid Arthritis!
Published On: July 03, 2008