When my pain isn't real intense I do well with the fact that I have an incurable disease. I can run errands, keep lunch dates with friends, and even do some chores. But when the pain is constantly intense I worry that I may not be able to have control over my life. It's like the pain just swoops in and takes over. I feel so helpless.
I am having a hard time
These last couple four months have been the hardest ever. I have seen my husband for only eight days as he travels from rig to rig. He wasn't even able to be there with me to celebrate out 10-year anniversary. I had to get rid of the 10 puppies that I was raising. They all went to good homes, but it sure didn't seem to make it any easier. My aunt asked for me on her death bed and I was with her when they had to pull the plug. And to top things off, I had to move into my mom's house because I am no longer able to make it up and down the stairs of my tri-level home. I am sad, and truth be told ,a little bit emotionally unstable. I am overwhelmed by pain and I feel like I no longer have any control over my life.
At my last rheumatologist appointment almost four months ago now, my rheumatologist ran many x-rays. I was afraid that I had been in a terrible flare that was going to last forever. Then I learned that I wasn't in a massive flare like I thought. Sure I was flaring, but I learned that most of my pain was coming from damage to my joints and tendons from my severe rheumatoid arthritis. I have sat here for the last couple months watching my joints turn from side to side. I have watched my rheumatoid nodules grow and grow, and I have to pry my fingers open every morning as they are stuck in a claw position. It is so hard for me to watch my own body let me down. It is so hard to handle the pain that comes from this disease. And it's so hard for me to feel so helpless against this disease.
Hope gets me through
Yes, I do feel helpless! Yes, I do feel like I have lost all control! So what keeps me going, you ask? HOPE! I may feel helpless, but I don't feel hopeless. I am too young to give up on life and be consumed with the pain and the damage this disease brings. I have hope for the future. And sometimes it is so hard to hold onto that hope. And some times I just feel like being miserable and whiny. I have hope that one day I will find that medication that will slow down the destruction this disease brings. I have hope that I will one day be able to live my life again without worrying about how what I do today will affect my pain tomorrow. I have hope that I will be able to gain control over my life again. Hope isn't easy to hold on to, but it can bring you through those rough times in your life. I know because it has helped me! So have hope! Even if that hope is only for one day without pain. You might be surprised of what hope can do for you!
Published On: July 09, 2008