The Optimistic Pessimist and Living With RA

The Optimistic Pessimist and living with RA

It's truely hard to look at the glass and see it as half full when it is so clearly half empty. It is truely hard to look at the sky and say what a beautiful day it is when the sky is black and it is pouring down hard. It is truely hard to say I will have a such a great life when your dreams and plans have been ripped away.

Sometimes I like to call myself an optimistic pessimist. Yes, I do know that doesn't make much since, but it is truely how I see myself sometimes. When I am in pain I struggle to even pour anything in the glass, much less to say it is half empty. And when I feel well...well, my glass just stays full. I would stay positive all the time if I could. My life would be full of sunny days. I would wake up with birds chirping and a song in my heart. If I could stay positive there would be no more talk of Rheumatoid Arthritis. But the fact is, there is rheumatoid arthritis, so yes...there is pessimism.

I began a pretty bad flare about a month ago. I felt the pain before I would even wake up in the morning. I didn't want to even open my eyes, and I wouldn't have either if that darn throbbing would have just gone away. It started with pain in the morning and a little stiffness at night and I was just positive that it would pass soon. By week three ( I am on week six) it was full blown pain and stiffness that just wouldn't work itself out. I can promise you that all positivity left my body and all I wanted to do was throw that half empty glass across the room, except that I couldn't lift my arms past my waist. Everyone else saw me as optimistic. I saw me as pessimistic. I was a full blown bonafide optimistic pessimist.

My dirty secret

So now you all know my dirty little secret. I am not always positive. Let me repeat...I am NOT always positive! And let me tell you why I am just fine with that. Because that is what makes me normal. And I think alot of us rheumatoid arthritis sufferers struggle to find some "normal" in our lives. At week three there was not even a hint of positivity left in my body. I was in severe pain, and it was taking over quickly. I began to dread getting out of bed in the morning, and all I wanted was for the day to be over so I could try to sleep through the pain and throbbing once again. I was depressed and my world was over.

This is just another reminder of how strong us rheumatoid arthritis sufferers are. We struggle through the pain to find hope and positivity in it all. We may not find it right away. It may even take days, weeks, months, or years. But we do fight for it, and let me tell you that sure is one hard fight, isn't it? But we don't give up. Yes, our flares may push us back a few steps in the fight, but we still fight for positivity. We fight because we are fighters, and that in itself sure sounds positive to me.