I can't thank you enough for posting this! It really helps to know others feel the same way...I thought I was losing my mind! Even though I know this won't "go away"--and most of the tiime I'm managing life just fine--lately, I find myself often wondering why I can't get rid of it. That little voice inside is working overtime at making me think "if I just do....I will resolve all of this" --like I did something to cause it to begin with. I apologize a LOT lately, too. I guess I, too, need to some more thinking!! Or, rather, find a different game to play!! Let's give this one up!!!!!
A couple of years ago, when I reached my 40th anniversary with RA, I discovered that I'd somehow expected to be "released" from serving the sentence and that 40 years seemed an appropriate amount of time to spend being punished. Messed with my head for a little while, but I have a better relationship to it now. I think, anyway. You mentioning how we apologize for needing help rang a rather uncomfortable bell. I think I need to go think some more.
Thanks for posting this.