I can empathise with what you are going through as I am in the same boat.  It is really not an easy road to walk when your spouse gets a disease like RA.  I had hope for hubby's recovery since he was diagnosed with RA 3 years ago.  He couldn't take much stress at all but he tried to be as responsible as he could in providing for our family.  I tried to be as supportive as I could and even now, I try, but I have to admit that there are many days when being supportive wears me out emotionally.  We (or rather I) homeschool our children and there were many occasions in the first year when I had to bring my children to stay with my Mum just so hubby could have the peace and quiet he needed.  He said that every little sound irks him, not to mention the noise from young children.  I tried to accommodate as much as I could but it became emotionally draining for me as I didn't like to be separated from hubby and have to handle the children 24x7 all by myself.  He told me that "work" was the one thing that could keep his mind off the pain.  But it was very difficult for me to hear him laugh with his colleagues during conference calls and then snap at our children and myself afterwards.  That is a difficult privilege to bear.  It came to an unbearable point where he would be so polite and smile so sweetly to waitresses and neighbours when we went to restaurants while he gave me painful looks.

The 2nd year, he seemed better but the medication he took seems to make him mood and depressed easily.  In the earlier days of our courtship and marriage, hubby has always been my emotional support but eversince RA encroached upon our lives, not only is he unable to be of any emotional support, he basically withdraws and shuts himself away.  For those in this group who has RA, is it true that people with RA goes into periods of isolation?  When friends wanted to visit, he would almost instantly become unwell and too sick to see them.

Now into our 3rd year, it has gotten really difficult in spite of the fact that his RA condition had improved with less medication and moving on to a juice and vegetarian diet.  He would be laying in bed reading and when I sit on the bed hoping to talk to him, he would close the book and shut his eyes.  That is really hurting.  I've told him but still he does it.

It has come to the point where I conclude that what RA pain is to him, emotional pain is to me.

However, I recently realised that over the years, I have certain "mislaid hopes" and accumulations of resentments.  Firstly, I had so hope RA would leave hubby, that hubby would be well and be like what he used to be.  It is only recently that I have come to terms that perhaps, he may never get well and that the disease is something to live with and how I learn to face it will determine how each day would go.  Secondly, I resented that we could not cuddle like we used to - freely and spontaneously.  It came to a point where I lived in fear of touching him for fear of hurting him and yet I fear if we do not have physical contact that he may need to find fulfilment elsewhere.  I have to be honest and say that I felt my needs for affection were not met too and resentment ensued.   When I confronted that he did not seem to show affection much any more, he said, "If you need a hug, you can initiate."  But how would I dare?  When would be the right time?  How would I know where he is having a flare up?

The realisation that the days of hubby my confidante have also ended has been one of the hardest reality knocks for me to accept.

I too felt I could not take all these anymore until I went to the source of love.  I realised that in all these years of wanting to the best wife to my husband and best mother to my children, I had emptied myself out of love and all negative emotions had crept into my heart instead. 

One night, while saying prayers for my children just before bedtime, I asked God to show me how to love again.  He showed me I needed to ask Him to fill me with His love again, so I can love.  That night, I suddenly felt all the resentment, hurts and pain leave my heart and I could love again.  It suddenly daunt on me that if we all really knew how to love and have love in our hearts, we would not have any space in our hearts to hate, resent, or even feel anger!  But the *problem* is that unless, I make it a good habit to go daily, almost moment by moment, to God and ask Him to fill me with His love, I quickly fall back into self-pity, resentment, hopelessness and fear.  It is something I am still learning to do.  It doesn't come easy.  But it's the way that has seen me through ... time and again ... our human strength/love will fail but God's love never fails.

All I can say is thank you for sharing that with me, my life is in turmoil I been living with this for more then twenty years,My wife can not do anything for herself at this point,I have to have a care giver to come in to take care of her,I ask God everyday to keep me strong in this terrible time i get advice from friends and family but i am not sure what to do, my heart hurts each day and my life is emploding on it self so I feel your pain....Stay Strong

I feel so empty, my hubby, the one I always turned to the one who always took care of everything is not there anymore.  When he has a flare up all he does is sleep, I work fulltime, take care of my mom, our 13 year old, the bills you name it.  I know in my heart that he can't help it, but I feel so unhappy, like my life as I hoped it would be as I grew old will never be anything but lonliness.  I have thought of leaving him but then I think how can I do that, we are never intimate, the meds he takes makes that impossible.  What do I do?  Stay and be unhappy or leave and feel guilty

I can understand that.  My Hubby used to do that - sleep or read or watch a movie or work to get his mind off the pain.  I felt very rejected but that's his way of coping.  He would snap at my children and me and he couldn't tolerate any noise.  I had to bring our 3 children out often.  I felt very lonely like you.  I just got myself busy on other things and told myself that he is really unwell and I should do whatever I can to support him.  But like I shared earlier, it was not easy and if not for God who sustained me, Whom I can turn to, I would have been a lost case.

I know the pain of being ignored and feelings of rejection.  But I realised it's not that our husbands want to do that but it's that the pain makes it unbearable for them to have even a little stress.  It came to a point where I realised that "What is to him physical pain, is to me emotional pain."  It seems that for man physical pain is worse than emotional pain and for us women, emotional pain is worse than physical pain.  My children and I prayed daily that God would bring total healing to my husband and do whatever it takes to draw him nearer to God.

Four years have gone by, although my hubby is on medication, he is much better and do give me more attention again.

So I hope you won't give up.  Like you, my hubby was the one I used to turn to most and when I couldn't do that any longer, I fell into depression for a while but learnt to turn to God instead.  I believe it was God's way of teaching me to rely more on HIm than any other person in this world.  Like you, I had entertained thoughts that our marriage could end if things persisted in the horrid way they were.  But I couldn't bear to do anything to hurt my children and did not think it was right for me to leave my husband because he was ill.  I constantly reminded myself that he was ill and I must forgive him.  In moments of anguish, I have even asked my children to pray for our marriage so that it wouldn't break up.  I also remember our marriage vow which is for better, for worse, in sickness and in health and I felt I would be a lousy wife to leave my hubby in a lurch.

I know it is extremely trying and painful to support one's husband when he is sick for long-term and often, taken for granted, as men seems to miss a lot of what's going on when they are in pain.  But I also tell myself that my hubby didn't ask to be sick that way.  It just came upon him and I know that he himself wished he never got it in the first place.  Many times in his pain, he actually said things like, "he was better off dead than alive".  Those times made me realise his anguish and so I did whatever I could to make things more bearable, like staying over at my mum's with my children, so that he could have quiet and peace in the whole house.

I also told myself that my hubby had not done anything wrong - had not been unfaithful to me and still worked as hard as he could to bring the bacon home. 

I also know that he loves our children very much even though he couldn't do much with them for a couple of years.  That encouraged me to do the right thing by him.  I think back of how we met and how deeply in love we were to keep myself going.  I learnt that there are different seasons in our marriage. So this is probably winter but it too shall pass

I know our circumstances may be different but just shared from my experience to let you know that someone out here has gone through and is going through what you are now going through.  I hope you will find your peace in God and pray that He will keep you strong in your marriage and give you the strength to rise above the circumstances.  Your 13 year old child will be blest because you stay on and not let the flame die.

Thank you so much for your advice, you must have somehow known that I really needed something positive to think about today.  You are right, I know that I need to turn to God for the answers but lately I find myself asking "why us" more than putting my faith where it should be.  And yes, I have thought many times about our wedding vows and the sickenss and health portion.  I know in my heart that I could never ever leave my husband because of his illness.  He too has said often, "I would be better off dead" and there are times I know that he has surely considered death to be better than the quality of life that he has now.  The part I didn't share with you was that for 2-1/2 years we went through six different types of doctors before seeing a rheumatologist, who told us everything from gout to neuropathy.  My Hubby even had a spinal cord implant put in a year ago to just help with the pain.  Never, not once, did any dr. of any type ever test him for RA or even mention it.  By sheer coincidence I friend of a friend had a test done for RA (blood) as was confirmed as having it.  Her symptoms were almost identical to my hubby's.  Finally, we got an appt. and yes he was diagnosed back in Jan '2010.  The rheumy told us he could see he had even with out the blood tests results.  Hubby has dealt with this pain and suffering for all this time only to find out in Jan. what was really wrong and begin to get help.  He is on Methotrexate, Arava, and started Humira in March.  One injection every other week.  It has improved a lot since then.  Right now he is in flare up.  How long does your hubby's flare up last and how often do they occur?