I think it is really wonderful that you are on the internet trying to figure out what to do.

When I was in high school I would get home from school and not be able to do my homework because the day had drained me. Then I would realize I had an exam and stay up late studying. In the morning I would feel like crap b/c of staying up late, I would not be able to get out of bed, and then I would be late for school. The cycle is vicous. It would go like this for a few weeks then I would need to miss a few days.

It is very likely that your wife is actually too tired to move and needs to be in bed. I do agree that she may be suffering from depression. The chronic pain, the feeling like she is constantly in a race against the disease, not being able to do any pleasure activities, and probably not being able to help out and be a part of the family are all feelings that may be making her situation worse.

I would say that the only thing you could do is talk to her. Do not accuse her though. She will be defensive because she is already being attacked by the disease. Try to present yourself in a way that shows that you only want to do what you can to help her.

I know that you are tired and feel like you are being walked on. But, I would like you to know that without that support from my mother (she showered, dressed and fed me on days that I couldn't) I would not be graduated from high school. I know that right now it doesn't seem like it, but she will thank you in the end if you just stick by her side.

Please try to feed her organic, live food. It will help her energy. As long as you are online, please look at these websites. I have found that the drugs sap so much energy out of you just because your body is trying so hard to detoxify itself from all the chemicals they contain. She needs to feed herself the best nutrients possible to help her body out.

http://www.drfuhrman.com/disease/arthritis.aspx

http://www.gillianmckeith.info/yourbody/index.php

http://www.jonbarron.org/detoxing-health-program/why_we_detox.php

http://www.jigsawhealth.com/chronic_conditions.aspx

I hope this helps. Good luck with everything!

If she is on a med like methotrexate(MTX) which is normally administered once a week, she could be wiped out on the weekends due to the toxic effects of the med.  It is common to have fatigue and nausua the days following the med.  I chose to inject MTX to minimize the toxicity, but would still feel sick from the med for 3-4 days after the day I took MTX.  My rheumy eventually pulled me off the med after too many side effects that outweighed the benefit.  Make sure her TSH is around 1-2 or she could be suffering from thyroid disease which is common w/ RA.  Fibro/chronic fatigue synrome, etc. also common.  I take cymbalta for fibro pain and depression related to RA and it helps.  It helps me to sleep 12 hours a night when I can and I can nap for 5 hours during the day when the fatigue hits me hard.  I am single and have always wondered how working mothers survive RA.  Probably a medical reason underlying the problem, disease fatigue, depression or toxic meds.  Maybe talk with her doc?  consider yourself her caretaker and get some help from conseling, support groups, etc.  RA is very hard on relationships, my boyfriend of 6 months just figured out what a bummer it is to be with someone with chronic illness and wants to "just be friends" cus he wants everything to be positive and perfect in life.  You are on the right track to ask for help to understand what is going on.

Dearest Fustrated,

                            I symphize with what you and your entire family is going through. I myself suffer from RA,I also suffer from numerous other medical issues. I must say your wife sounds as if she takes Saturdays and Sundays to recoupe from the fatigue of RA. This is understandable,to a degree...... Maybe it would benefit you all if you and your wife got some counseling. The pressures you are dealing with sounds VERY overwhelming.As well your wife not only has to deal with the physical issues of RA,she seems to also have emotional issues. With myself,I find it extremely fustrating to be in pain and not able to do the things that at one time came so easy. My husband and I felt it best to seek some counseling.It help everyone cope alot better with what my abilities are and what to kind of expect from me. Believe me ,I totally know how your wife feels. The pain and exhaustion is over whelming,and yes I have times when I stay on the couch or in bed,sometimes it is for a day or two. Then for the most part I have to push myself. I feel that my family suffers as much as I do. I have a very loving and understanding husband and my children try very hard to understand there are many times,the children feel that it isn't fair for them ,my youngest being 10 yrs. old feels fustrated alot. I guess for us being educated about RA and its affects on ones entire family,was beneficial for us. Try talking to your wife let her know how everyone feels and that maybe you all talking about what is happening to the family,and being willing to work things out,just may help. I'm truly sorry that your entire family and life is being so affected in such a negative way. I don't know what treatment your wife is getting medically, but for me,I have been getting monthly treatments of REMICADE. The results from my monthly IV have tremendously helped me. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.   RA sufferer

Dear Frustrated- I TOTALLY hear what you are saying and can understand how you feel as a partner & caretaker. I have been diagnosed (for 8yrs Fibro & 4 yrs. with RA). Most RA patients do have another form of an autoimmune disease to go along with the RA, atleast that's not uncommon-she might have this or chronic fatigue which would also make her tendency to be physically wiped out after ANY activities. I was working full-time in a VERY HIGH-PACED Dr.'s office where I literally ran all day long, except for maybe a lunch when i could fit it in. I did this for about a year after I was diagnosed with RA. I had days when I would go into the restroom & cry because I hurt so bad & desperately wanted to go home & collapse from the pain & exhaustion I was in. This was something that my husband NEVER knew until later. I pushed myself as hard as I could because we needed the money. But, not unlike your wife, I came home after work & completely fell apart. I was lucky to get my clothes changed, grab a bite to eat, & then it was pass out on the couch or have to go to bed early. The weekends I didn't always stay in bed but it did take me all-weekend to recover physically in order to be able to go back to work on Monday.  If I had not had pain medicine to get me through, I would NOT have been able to run any errands or tidy the house or go to the grocery store! I had to take naps during the weekends & limit my chores/errands to maybe a couple a day. During the week, my husband also had to cook & run errands & take care of our daughter- he got home before I did so it naturally fell to him to do those things until I got home. He made dinner or ordered out, chauferred our daughter to school events. I felt guilty but what could we do, I had to work to bring home a paycheck & couldn't get off work early. So we dealt with this as best we could. But after about a year of this crazy pace for me & him, I got to the point where I knew it was no longer in my power to be able to work fulltime. I quit work & thought a part-time job would be in my future. Well, after various jobs, trying to make something work, I still had the same symptoms. It's hard to find a job where you can sit & rest if you need to, maybe walk around if you have been sitting at a desk, or leave early if your having a bad day of pain. The best option is a work from home job if you can find something that is flexible for her. It's extremely hard. Basically I think she is at a point to where it is time to rethink full-time work & as someone else suggests, disability is also an option. It's a very humbling, embarrising, & devestating point when you have to admit it's time to change or give up a job or admit that you are truly to the point of being disabled. It can be extremely depressing for you & her at this point but no matter what I think it's time for a change. Yes, talk to the Dr., maybe she needs medication adjustments, upping the pain medicine or starting some would help a great deal! Also you will have to adjust to a wife that doesn't work full-time, no extra paycheck coming in, BUT if she is able to be home & do maybe half of what you've been doing, I'm sure it would be a relief to you. At first my husband wasn't sure that it was physical, when I quit work, he thought I was more stressed. This is where she will HAVE to communicate with you, possibly the counseling will help start this process. Once I sat down & told my husband what was going on with me at work....the crying in the bathroom in pain and all the physical problems I was having trying to do my job, he saw things more clearly & understood why it was time. I've been at home now for 3 years & I do work, I do the normal stuff but not at the pace a normal housewife could do. I do things as I can physically and when I am having  better days I try to do more. But there are times when i am in an extreme flare where i can't work that day. I don't spend all day in the bed but somedays I do need to take a nap. And like someone else mentioned the day or two after taking my Methotrexate & Humira, it wears me out, then I am ok. These are STRONG medications, some of these are also given to Cancer patients & we all know the fatigue that these patients go thru. Educating yourself will help & you have taken a good step by getting on here to get more info. Keep that up & possibly look for pain or RA support groups in your area. There are alot of husbands out there that suffer in silence as a caretaker and feel guilty. You don't have to do that, if you talk to other couples you will see that many go thru what you are going thru. You need to also talk to her about needing time for yourself to rejuvinate. This will have to be worked into the schedule so you won't loose your mind & give up on your marriage in the process! That will take change as well, letting some things go around the house or talking to your kids & working out a chore schedule for them to help out as well. And speaking of kids, don't neglect thing in councelling either. My daughter went thru a phase where she was angry at me & thought I did not like her anymore because I couldn't attend all of her school functions. This came out when she got stressed to her max, neither me or my husband knew she felt this way. We let her go talk to someone every few weeks so she can get any anger & feelings off her chest with someone who isn't involved. Since then things are way better!

Gosh there is just so much I could say about this situation but I think with these replies you get the jist of things. Yyes, this can be normal for an RA patient but there are meds than can help, support groups that can help, adjusting to a different lifestyle -her no longer working. By the way, we made compromises after I quit working. I sold my brand new Saab that I had worked long & hard for, sold extra stuff in yard sales & ebay, and changed from buying the best money could buy for our family, to what we really only needed & could afford. I had to get over an ego of wanting the best "names" in products & live more frugally. We buy those fancy brands at thrift stores now & nobody knows the difference but it has enabled us to live without my husband being overwhelmed by bills & only 1 income coming in. So, goodluck my friend, talk to your wife about all this, and if she has a hard time opening up or feels rejected by you, suggest you want to make it work not fail & to go to a couples therapist!

P.S. I don't know how long you've been married but try to remember everything she did for you & your kids BEFORE RA hit her. Before RA hit me, I did everything, cooking, cleaning, housework, kids activities, outside yard-work....all my husband had to do is come home from work & nothing else.  The whole "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, & never, ever let him forget he was the man" was what our life was like before RA. We had to change but also work together harder to keep the relationship healthy after RA. It's not easy & sometimes it really sucks, but you can work it out in time. Good Luck & don't forget to take your troubles to the Lord!

I have RA and by the time the week ends, I am exhausted.  I have small children and there are times where I have to drag myself around to take care of kids.  I have good days and bad days and stress makes a difference.  First, I think that she needs to speak with her Rheum about this so that she can find better methods of treatment.  I have flareups, some worse than others, several times a month.  After a stress filled week, it really adds up, but not always the case.  Good days and bad days, I actually just discusssed this on my blog.  Of course, not every sufferer has the same symptoms, but maybe this will give you an idea.