An Excerpt From My Memoir

The perspectives I can provide on schizophrenia are not those of a psychiatrist, psychologist or licensed clinical social worker, but rather those of a consumer and a family member. I have walked the walk on both sides of the street. As such, I can speak with experiential authority. It is my objective to share with you, as best I can, what my experience with schizophrenia has been like on a day to day basis, i.e., to compare notes with you. I will also make observations about being a family member and advocate based on my own experience. Any observations or comments you choose to make in return will be of great value.

In this blog, I’m going to present an abridged excerpt from my upcoming memoir “One Mind Two Worlds” along with commentary. The narrative prior to the excerpt is to set the scene. In my closing observations, I will indicate what I believe to be the significance of the events described.

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The first symptoms of schizophrenia I experienced were thought insertions.
Raised in a fundamentalist religious sect, I had been taught all my life that Satan was after me, was clever and ruthless, and I had to be forever vigilant. It was, therefore, no great surprise when he first inserted blasphemous thoughts into my mind using my own voice. I was stunned, however, when my family tried to convince me I was mentally ill and needed treatment. I was greatly offended. Their suggestions terrified me. Severe bouts of anxiety soon followed.

From the outset I also experienced anosognosia and soon became delusional. I did not believe I was ill, but rather under siege by Satan because God had given me a sacred mission that would save the universe.

Within a week I found myself in a private psychiatric hospital. I vowed to refuse all treatment.

The following abridged excerpt recreates my first encounter while in the hospital with my psychiatrist and shortly after an agonizing bout of anxiety.

“Your nurse, Beth, told me that things got a little rough this morning.” Dr. Levy said.
I did not respond.
“Is Satan still putting thoughts directly into your mind?”
“Yes.”
“Beth says you left us for about an hour, that you turned completely inward. She was worried about you.”
“She doesn’t understand.”
“No. I suppose not. But then, she didn’t do anything to make matters worse, did she?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s good. And you’re right. She doesn’t understand what you were going through. Perhaps she never will. But that’s not surprising. Not many people do, you know.”
“But you understand, don’t you.”
“Perhaps I do, at least more than some.”
Dr. Levy was being modest. I knew intuitively that he somehow fully appreciated the nature of my terror.
“How is it that you understand when no one else does?”
“Well, I’ve been at this for a long time.”
Neither of us spoke for several minutes.
“Well, if there’s anything you need, just let Beth know, and we’ll take care of it.”