For years, I thought "recovery" meant to be 100% of what I was pre-sz.  I waited it out thinking my creativity would return to what I had considered normal.  Thinking my interest in nonfiction books would return.  Thinking I could be as job-competent as I used to be when I worked long and difficult hours 5 days a week.  Thinking I would feel at ease about my religious convictions.  And so on.

But now, after those years of fretting that I would never be normal again, I realized "normal" is just one point on a continuum.  And where I excel in some areas, I do poorly in other areas.  Everyone both exceeds expectation and finds some tasks too daunting.  Recovery for me today means taking Zyprexa even when I hate the side effects.  Recovery means that I am brushing my teeth at night instead of not brushing for weeks.  It means feeling more a part of what is going on around me rather than some malignant lump that is spreading doom and gloom.

I think most of all, recovery for me means accepting myself where I am and what I am in all areas.  Yes, it is great to achieve an important goal, but I also get satisfaction our of just doing my best that particular day.

Carolyn

Robin Cunningham

7/21/08 5:53am

 

Carolyn:

 

Thanks for your comment.  I find all your comments and SharePosts uplifting.

 

It sounds very much as if you are in a good place, that you've come to terms with your illness and have learned to live with it.  There are a whole lot of people out there that would like to be in your place.

 

And you're right, this illness requires us to recreate ourselves, to compromise sometimes, but more importantly to learn to move ahead despite our frustrations. I know that my life is very different because of my illness.  I think I now lead a better and more relevant life than I would have if I had been left to my own devices.

 

Pax [Latin for Peace]

 

Robin