"I will not let you define who I am or control what I do with my life." 

As much as I have recovered, this is still the most difficult part.  Before I am even aware of what I am doing, I find the words coming out of my mouth that I am unable to do this or that because of the illness or because of the side effects of medication.  In fact, I have said it so often that at times, I believe what I am saying, and I push myself down and pull over something camouflaged so that I am not seen.  If people look closely, yes, I am there, but I blend so much into the background I might as well not be there.

Lately, I have begun saying, "Yes, I will," when it comes to something daunting and challenging.  I am vowing to make that choice in my mind first, then I run the mental video forward and see what I just might accomplish.  Almost all my life, I have said, "No," first then come around to doing it if it seems there is no way I can fail, no way to risk disapproval, no way to stutter over my words and get lost in the middle of a conversation.  And it is amazing what I have been able to do.  I am going out to eat with friends and enjoying it.  Someone invited me to a poetry group/workshop and I have gone twice and plan to join next month.  And I have managed to sit through a church service w/o being freaked out by the crowd and loudness of music.  I agreed to do a painting for a commission and it turned out to be one of the best I have ever painted.

These things are proof to me that I am ready to move into the fulfillment phase and that there is relatively little to fear by taking chances and trusting in my own recovery.

Thank you for the excellent post.

Carolyn