Some of the most hurtful stigma comes from family. In the midst of being hospitalized many times, I learned a family member thought I was just trying to get attention. Why would I need to get attention? I have never been an attention-seeker. I have always stayed in the background. But I think it was easier for the family member to totally deny that anything was wrong rather than to accept that I was suffering. And it was not until my favorite aunt had deep depression that she really understood at least that part of what I was going through. My dad wanted me to get a job and thought that was the solution to my problems. My sister was bitter because I got money without working for it (a disability pension and SSDI.) My mother told me when she and my dad first heard I had schizophrenia, they were afraid that if I lived with them I might get up and kill them in the middle of the night. What a blow to me. Gradually over the years I have interjected a bit of info into family conversations about what I went through. They always act amazed at what I tell them. Like not being able to find the front door in my apartment. Like hours of amnesia when I bought guns and didn't know it. And they always conclude their side of the conversation with, "Well, we're glad to see you're your old self again and all that is behind you." I don't feel like my old self and doubt I ever will. And I don't know if it is all behind me. I still have negative symptoms that are often misunderstood as laziness or unfriendliness. I believe every person has about all on her plate that she can handle at any one time. Even children have concerns that often go unvoiced. But when I was at my sickest, that sickness was the only thing I could see. I had to stop working and socializing in order to take care of myself. Carolyn