I was diagnosed at age 37 and am 52 now.  I think I have been through the worst part of my own battle with schizophrenia...at least I sure hope so!  But I remember having trouble just getting through a spoken sentence, and much more so to get through the day.  With Zyprexa being taken away and Saphris added a few months ago, my daily existence has become more than that.  More than plodding through paranoia and fear and depression and anxiety, sleeping way too much, dreading public places.

My day now begins much earlier, like Christina's.  I imagine I have 4 or 5 more hours awake each day than I did on the Zyprexa, although I still take the occasional nap.  Today, in fact, is a take-care-of-Donna day.  I have sworn off running errands and going to my mother's rescue just because her computer is acting up.  I watched a favorite TV show this morning and now can actually enjoy television shows as a whole rather than feeling bombarded by separate sounds, colors, voices, themes, settings.  I used to have trouble putting them all together and making sense of the story.  I can go to a movie now, too.  And read a book, although I don't read nearly as many books as I did pre-diagnosis.  I used to have 4 or 5 going all the time and carry one with me to read every time I have a spare moment.  Now, most of my reading is confined to reading the Bible each morning and reading a chapter in a murder mystery once or twice a week.  I don't keep up with the news, still, because it seems to bring a feeling of anticipated dread over me and I start worrying too much.  Better for me to leave it alone.  But what I am saying is that beyond mere existence, I now have a life that I feel comfortable in and that I feel is worth living.

Much of my life, I measured my self-worth by "what can I get done today?"  But with the onset of more severe symptoms, I was forced into a situation where I wasn't sure what a day would bring.  I often went without basic hygiene, slept in my clothes, went for walks at 1am, and thought a lot about killing myself.  I couldn't keep a job because I lacked the cognitive skills to learn new tasks, although I did finally work for a while cleaning restrooms and sacking groceries at a local store.  I could handle that pretty well on a good day.  Now, I don't work.  I have a disabiltiy pension and SSDI that allow me a fairly comfortable lifestyle.  So sometimes people think I have a lot of spare time and sit around doing nothing, and actually, that is not true.  I write and edit poetry, I take care of my plants, I take care of my mother and am her chauffeur even though we still live apart, and I now have 3 friends I see fairly often.  I have started painting on Thursdays with one of these friends.  She struggles with bipolar disorder, so we have some things in common there.  It is like art therapy for both of us.  But yes, I have plenty of activities and have a regular routine, am taking good care of personal hygiene, keep my apartment clean, and go to church on Sundays.  I try to do things for other people.  I have heard that you should never be satisfied with where you are -- you should always go for something better.  However, I am peaceful, calm and content to be exactly where I am, doing exactly what I am doing.  How many people can say that?