Those are good guidelines Chris. It evokes that word trust, doesn't it ? If an employer must know why there is a 15 year gap in your employment history or if your new found love of a few months is curious about the pills in the bathroom, I guess it's up to you to decide on that level of trust.
For example, is the job/relationship more important than your health ? And how much do you mean to your employer /partner?
PersonallyI think,it's something to be proud of - surviving and beating mental illness. I compare it to conquering cancer or any other serious disease.
But, human beings being what we are we will all have times when we want to flaunt our achievements with a big flag, and this can lead to disappointment and ,as you said , heartbreak.
So disclosure is discretionary and if we lack the proper tools to make those decisions, then an advocate or peer counsellor should be available to help us .
It's OK to see from a psychological viewpoint from time to time . Emotional counseling is something that everyone who has had schizophrenia in their lives needs . Our resources are expanding in that area and we are finding that many "survivors" are emotionally scarred and need help in that area.
So disclosure involves that subtle interplay of emotions and there are a lot of stepping stones along the way.
Well, I've rambled on long enough.!
Take care Don
I have a brother who suffers from the type of schizophrenia wherein he has injured himself severely in the past, and has neglected himself so much, that his physical condtion has deteriorated tremendously. He is somehwat stuck, developmentally at the pre-teen level, and he has no friends as he is pretty isolated from his peers. I don't know how to balance the different parts of my world, really... how can I share this painful experience with people in my life, so that I can open his life to new things and not feel like the entire world will judge him, judge me...
When I was younger, and my brother was hospitalized for severely burning himself, and I was in the midst of a long distance relationship. I was devastated and chose to remain silent to my beau because I didn't know how to deal with the situation. I kept this a secret from my then beau. My beau wrote me a letter, asking for a response to some letters he wrote, and I just didn't have the energy nor the words to share what happened. I was in NY, he was in HOlland, what could he have done anyway, except be distracted and feel guilty for not being there? So I said nothing, and that ended our relationship.
Is it sad, that I would have rather someone I love believe I am cold-hearted and mean, than to tell them my brother is ill and that it is heart-breaking to see someone u love behave so horribly to themselves?
Do u have any advice, any books to read or blogs to see?
Thanks, I'd greatly appreciate it!
Dear Mercy,
Peace be with you now and in the coming season.
Though I haven't been in your position, I can only imagine the hurt you feel, as I remember what my mother must have gone through when I got sick the first time, and then when I went off my meds, relapsed, and was hospitalized again.
Please, be assured I speak out because there is no shame. I feel that you have to be honest with the ones you love and get into a relationship with, after you have reached a degree of trust, intimacy and acceptance and no sooner than that.
My experiences have been that most people will be receptive and open. However, I feel you need to "practice" what you would say to be comfortable with it.
Also, consider joining a NAMI Family Support group in your area, where family members go to get support for what they go through living with a relative who has a mental illness.
I urge you to do this.
Call 1 (800) 950 - NAMI (6264), the national hotline, and ask for the info for the support group in your area.
A book I recommend, if you brother lacks insight into his condition and is in denial, is Xavier Amador's "I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help." I also feel you'd benefit from subscribing to Schizophrenia Digest, a quarterly magazine. Log on to www.szdigest.com to obtain a subscription. Xavier Amador writes for this magazine the "Lessons Learned" column. In the summer (or was it spring?) 2007 issue, he wrote about mourning his brother in order to develop an even better relationship after the brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
www.nami.org also has more active message boards for support in addition to SchizophreniaConnection's SharePosts and Forums (message boards, too).
First off, I suggest you read the Xavier Amador article on mourning, in the Schizophrenia Digest magazine. Secondly, call NAMI for the info about the support group in your area.
Third, continue to write in here and post when you feel the need to. It is truly heartbreaking when someone you love is hurting themselves. Understand that he would not do this if he weren't sick, the illness is real and frightening both to those who have it and those who witness their loved ones go through it.
Because I am able to speak out, I feel I must speak out to hopefully be a beacon of hope to everyone living with schizophrenia in one form or another.
Bless you and your brother, Mercy.
I hope this helps. Feel free to respond, or to create your own SharePost.
Best wishes,
Chris
Dear Chris,
Thank you for responding, and thank you so much for your compassionate words and your honesty.
I can't fully express how much I appreciate your experience and forthrightness, is there such a word?
But thank you.
I often feel that when I want to break down, cry and be real in this world, I am being a "whiner" but I cannot express how awful it has been to see my brother become lost in such an unfair web of illness and pain. I have always struggled with trying to figure out how to be a good sister, a good friend to him without feeling overhwlemed, resentful and frustrated. I don't know how to be supportive of him and be honest in the external world.
Unfortunately, as my brother has lost so much in his life, in terms of relationships and experiences, I,too have lost much to my inability to be honest about my life's situation and though, I could never compare, nor would I even dare to, but I always felt, that no one on this earth could understand... plus I have this beleif that if you love someone, and you're life is full of pain and sadness, as is mine, why would you share that with someone? Aren't we supposed to make sure we give our loved ones happiness and good things?
Is it wrong, that when I've had the one opportunity to love someone, in a romantic way, to fully understand that the impact of such a profound illness would impede their life? an example, I dated someone who overcame a clubfoot at infancy, with the love and support of his family... I could never have imagined introducing him to the pain in my life, as it was so ugly, so inexplicable... I wanted him to have a great life, and painfully I had to realize he could never have that with me... his life did turn out wonderfully, just as I imagined it would, as my life is still wrought with immense pain and sadness... was I wrong to think that? It seems to have been absolutely true...
How does one reconcile such conflicting feelings?
wanting to live a normal life and knowing that you can't really... I think I've resigned myself to being without certain things in my life, and sometimes that's hard... but my brother has done without for so long, it only seems fair...
I find myself struggling daily to live normally, to smile
even... it has been so unbelievably painful...
Thank you for your wish of peace.
Mercy
Hello Mercy,
It will get better over time. You are grieving, and that is the process of coming to terms with what happened.
Again I urge you to join a support group. It will take time, but you will be able to find some hope to hang on to.
You deserve every happiness. Giving yourself happiness doesn't mean you are being dishonest or not loyal to your brother.
The classic expression is that a mother has to put on her oxygen mask on an airplane, before she places one on her child, so that she can care for the child in an emergency.
I suggest you do things to boost yourself, either see a therapist, or perhaps maybe even get involved with art therapy or music therapy.
Be well this holiday season.
I wish you peace and joy.
Regards,
Chris
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Thanks Chris for another great blog. For many years I kept my diagnosis secret. I was ashamed and humlitated by it. Recently I've been speaking out, disclosing if you will. I was in my dentists' chair and the dentist and I were talking. I told her that I do things that "normal" people do. She asked me what I meant by that. I told her that I have schizophrenia. She said I always thought of you as "normal". I truly am at peace with diagnosis. I've had the chance to speak to a group of people that don't have a diagnosis. At first I was very scared and nervous. But I did it and it went well. I feel (for me) speaking out and disclosing my illness has helped me deal with it. I don't feel I have to "hide" anymore. I'm proud of who I am. So what that I have an illness.